Hat, Gloves, And Boots Took President's Day Off

One hat, two gloves and a pair of boots observed President's Day by taking off. They spent the entire damn day just laying around all warm and cozy in an empty house. They did nothing the entire day! Well, except telling jokes about the clogs that left the house with the light weight bandanna this morning. At about 4:00 they really had a good laugh when the sleet, snow and wind started. Then by early evening they were laughing their asses off when they learned about the winter weather advisory. 

Meanwhile I was the idiot who wore the comfortable yet flimsy clogs and bandanna today. Shit the bed Fred! What the hell was I thinking?! If I was one of my kids I would have yelled at me, pulled me back into the house and demanded I put something weather appropriate on, something to keep me warm and dry...hmmm, let's see, something like a hat, two gloves and a pair of boots!


I have learned to pay attention to the weather forecast. Never again will I be found slopping my way through a giant slushie that fell from the sky wearing a pair of stupid clogs. And never again will I be found in a slushie soaked bandanna on a windy, winter-weather-advisory day. And never again will I leave the house on a winter day without my gloves. My hands look like they're ready for a retirement home and they don't feel real great either. I sure learned a lesson today...don't be a dumb ass and pay attention to the weather forecast! 

How Could It Be A Bad Day With A Shiny Gold Coin & Horny Goat Condoms

I was on a mission today. Micheal's craft store had a big sale with lots of coupons to be had and I needed supplies so off I went in the sleet and rain to fetch some goods for a freelance job I'm working on. There was a glitch though, the small print states that the store will only honor one coupon per costumer and that customer can only redeem one coupon one time a day. No problem...I have kids and a plan.

With kids in tow I arrived at Micheal's and before getting out of the Crapstar I explained the mission to my daughter and her friend. I had three coupons and there was three of us - perfect! I got all my shit, gathered the girls in a quiet area of the store and gave them money, a coupon, and the goods they would be "purchasing". It worked perfectly. When we got home I had to remind my secret shoppers to cough up my change and that's when I noticed I got one of these!

At first I thought it was a Susan B. Anthony one dollar coin. Not having my glasses on at the time I kept squinting at it and couldn't help but think that Susan was kind of ugly, kind of manly looking too. At that point I had to get my new Ace Hardware reading glasses on and take a closer look. Ah, that explained it. It wasn't Susan B. Anthony at all. The blurry mug on my shiny new gold coin was Andrew Johnson's. Well that certainly explained a lot and made me feel much better. I really hated thinking that Sue was ugly. 

Although the weather was shitty today and my Valentine's zit still hasn't gone away I have to say it was a darn toot'n good day. Besides finding some good buys at Micheal's I also nabbed up some nifty freebies during my morning ritual of free sample shopping. One of my favorites that will be arriving in 4-6 weeks is Horny Goat Condoms straight from Horny Goat Brewery. That's right folks, there's a business named Horny Goat. I just knew it was going to be a good day after finding that out first thing this morning.    

A Failed Squirty Thing Return Has A Happy Ending

It was a laid back day yet a productive one. The productivity portion of the day started late and just moments ago I took a break from some art making and looked at my watch and said, "Oh shit! It's almost 11:30 and I have a blog to write!" My two hunt and pecking fingers better work fast tonight before I turn into a pumpkin, or a mouse, or something like that before the stroke of midnight.

Maggi's Chicken Flavored Pasta Soup Mix was one of the best discoveries I found today. My free Maggi sample arrived in the mailbox with a coupon AND a recipe booklet. I couldn't wait to read the recipes so I put on my Walgreen's reading glasses and began flipping through the pages. For a split second I thought my eyesight was failing me more than usual and actually felt a twinge of panic. I couldn't comprehend anything, it looked foreign. Hey! Guess what?! It was foreign. Thank God for that. 

Later in the day I went to Ace Hardware to return the replacement squirty thing we bought to fix the kitchen sink. Damn thing didn't work and the real pisser about it, I forgot to take it with me. There was a happy ending to my failed squirty thing return though. As luck would have it, Ace Hardware had an awesome deal on reading glasses. I am now the proud owner of a brand new pair of $1.00 Ace reading glasses that work way better than my old Walgreen's glasses. Now if I could only find some glasses that can read foreign languages I'd be all set and raring to go with some fine cooking with Maggi. 

My New Rapid Dry Trick

An oven isn't just for cooking in my house. I learned I can put wet artwork in a 200 degree oven for about 20 minutes and it magically dries without bursting into flames or melting. It sure beats pulling out the blow dryer and waving hot air for 20 minutes.


That's my big discovery today. After working at my new awesome job all day I knew I had some art making to do in a short period of time when I got home so I cranked out some art, set the oven dial to 200 and proceeded to make twist tie hooks to hang the wet art from the oven racks. I put the artwork in the oven and the experiment began. Twenty minutes later I had completely dry pieces of small works. Why haven't I thought of this sooner!!! 


Well, now that I know this special trick I think I'll get back to making a few more things before popping a frozen pizza in the oven for an early morning dinner. It's almost midnight so I gots to go!!

The Beauty Of Nothingness

Time is ticking away and I only have 45 more minutes of precious alone time left. I'm the only person in the house at the moment and it's absolutely lovely. I thought now would be a great time to write my blog entry. No interruptions, no late night TV programs to distract me, and no eyeballs falling out of my skull while my body aches with exhaustion. Right now, at this very moment in time, I feel calm, focused and at peace. 

I've discovered that I hardly ever have alone time and damn it, I miss that! Although I'm a social creature by nature I have been craving alone time more and more lately. I love my family and friends and all the extra obligations I take on but I just need some quiet time everyday to plop my ass down for 30 minutes of guilt-free nothingness. That's what I have learned today, the beauty of nothingness and my need for at least one moment of nothingness everyday. (sigh) It feels good.    

Thank You Mr. Peanut

Mr. Peanut logo owned by Kraft Food, Inc.

Here's to you you crazy nut. Thanks Mr. Peanut, you sure came through. I had no idea you actually noticed me. I bet my little rant on your facebook page caught your spectacle covered eye. Guess I was feeling a little bitchy that day when the Free Package of Planters Almonds deal fell through. I went to your facebook page, I even 'liked' you, then followed all the directions to redeem my free pack of almonds and your stink'n website bit my wenis. (I just had to use wenis because it's my favorite new word) The site crashed and the deal I was waiting for fell through so I had to send you a message on facebook Mr. Peanut. I was a tad upset. 

To be quite honest I forgot about my failed almond deal by the next day. I got over it pretty fast but then I REALLY got over it when I received your surprise gift in the mail today.

I'm sorry for telling you that you sucked. And telling you I gave up on your nuts and I'd rather stick with store brand nuts anyway. I didn't mean it. I was just mad at you. 

Mr. Peanut, I mean this from the bottom of my wenis, you're one swell nut. Thanks for noticing and consulting with your ad agency, Kraft Food, Inc. and your damage control specialists. You understand your consumer market of nut eaters and went out of your way to please one little old nut biter in Columbus, Ohio. 

Funny Little Pillows

What I have I learned? I learned that I don't get enough sleep. I am so tired right now it actually hurts. I'm so tired I could even cuddle up with a nifty Godfather, horse head pillow and be out like a light in seconds.

 
Cute pillows right? I found an assortment of these gems HERE . Take a quick browse and enjoy the novelties while I lay my head to rest. I've got some major drooling, snoring, and REM sleep to catch up on. Sweet dreams world.