A Little TMI

I took my sick kid to see the doc today. We still don't know what the problem is but I hope we have some answers tomorrow when the lab results come back. I have to admit, I'm pretty stressed and when I'm super stressed my intestines get all bent out of shape and...well...um...then the soupy-poopies start and when the soupy poopies start I get even more stressed. It's a vicious cycle I tell you and the best word to describe it is - shitty. What puts me on edge the most is being advised by the doctor to keep a close eye on my boy because if his condition worsens before his next appointment I need to get him to the ER asap. I'm worried but I'm trying not to show it.

Thankfully my boy has a great temperament and can crack a few jokes about the ordeal. And thankfully he trusts me and told the doctor I could stay in the examination room while he was asked a gazillion questions about sexual activity, drug use and masturbation. Yeah, that was a little uncomfortable but another thankful thing is, we have a good relationship and I'm a master of disguise. I don't think anyone detected the voice in my head saying, "Oh God, not the masturbation questions. La-la-la-la...I can't hear you, TMI!!!...Oh shit, I do hear you. Okay, just look calm. No facial expressions, no eye contact with the boy". Sheeew, we made it through the questioning. And I don't think either one of us turned too red. 

During the appointment I did learn a few things but I wouldn't dare share my new found knowledge here but I can mention a few things I learned before the appointment while we sat patiently in the waiting room.


I now know where exactly the Prostate lives. 

I always knew it lived near Colon Way but never knew Urethra River flowed through it and sat on the south brim of Bladder Lake. You can learn all sorts of things flipping through educational material laying around in a doctor's waiting room. I also learned a little bit about gout too.

That was my day. Taking care of a sick boy, realizing my many trips to the bathroom are the result of a nervous stomach, learning all about the prostate gland, and admiring my son for being such an awesome and up front kind of kid.


     

Snowfall #2

Snowfall #2 after the forsythia bloomed. I really wasn't expecting the snow we got today. I thought we were only going to see a few stray flakes here and there but noooooo. Even my poor little buds on my lilac tree got chilled today.

It's a short blog tonight. I have a sick boy on my hands. Poor guy left school feeling pretty awful and the doctor's office was closed. It's going to be a bright and early day tomorrow as I hope to be the first worried parent calling in to set an appointment for my sicko. Poor kid, he felt so bad when he got home today he just went to his room and crashed...he didn't even play video games. You know something's wrong when a tough as nails kid complains about discomfort and ops to lay down in a dark room instead of gaming. :(

Funny Shirt Day With Mr. Duck, Ms. Cat And Generic Figure

NOTE: True identities disguised to protect the innocent.

Sorry Snow White, I don't whistle while I work. But I do 'stupid' while I work, and my co-workers do stupid pretty well too. Today was Funny Shirt Day at work. One of the disguised individuals in the photo had the great idea and now there's talk of Pirate Day going down next week.

Starting from left to right, Mr. Duck is styling a handsome Ducks Unlimited long sleeve, button up shirt with a bold pattern of ducks in the wilderness. I believe I've seen wing backed chairs in a hunting lodge with this very same pattern. Mr. Duck was certainly styling today. 

Next we have Ms. Cat, wearing a blue tie dyed tee with a cat print. This isn't just any cat though. This is a mighty cat with super powers. It shoots laser rays out of its eyes! And it wears glasses just like Ms. Cat. 

Generic Figure chose a simple black shirt for the day with the man on the public restroom door falling and the message, "I do all my own stunts". It would seem the restroom door man tripped over some boob that got in the way before his nose dive into the great valley of Cleavageville.

I followed Helen Steiner Rice's number one commandment today...Thou shalt be happy. It was a good day. Believe it or not, lots of work got done too and no annoying, Snow white whistling was required.     

 

A Shitload Of Freebies But The Bend In The Road Is The Best

The free samples keep pouring in. It was a delight to come home and discover some premo freebies that had been delivered today.

I was pleasantly surprised to get a full 11 oz can of hairspray. It's not exactly something that anybody will use for their hair in this household but it will sure come in handy as a spray fixative for art! Then there's dog food for our dogless home but I have a friend who will appreciate the sample. I got the Ready, Set, Listen game to teach kids to say no to drugs, protein drink mix, flip-flops, Mio Liquid water Enhancer to make 24 servings of berry pomegranate flavored water, and a SinuSense sinus wash bottle with 60 saline solution packs. It's crazy how much cool shit I get for nothing! I love my new found hobby.

One last thing I received today is a simple, paper bookmark. Out of all the crap I got in my shit load of freebies I think I like this one the best.

 
My road has had a lot of bends, detours and rocky terrains. This poem speaks to me and gives me hope that I won't always be riding a unicycle in a muddy ditch...or the Crapstar over potholes on I-71.

Thank you Helen Steiner Rice. Your words and optimism have touched many during your lifetime and after your passing with the Helen Steiner Rice Foundation you founded. 

I'm not an overcooked, holy roller type but Helen was one kick ass gal with a message of optimism and a heart of gold. Here are her personal 10 commandments:

1. Thou shalt be happy

2. Thou shalt use thy talents to make others glad.

3. Thou shalt rise above defeat and trouble.

4. Thou shalt look upon each day as a new day.

5. Thou shalt always do thy best and leave the rest to God.

6. Thou shalt not waste thy time and energy in useless worry.

7. Thou shalt look only on the bright side of life.

8. Thou shalt not be afraid of tomorrow.

9. Thou shalt have a kind word and a kind deed for everyone.

10. Thou shalt say each morning -- I am a child of God and nothing can hurt me.

 

    

My Kids Are Goldfish And I'm A Twit Among Other Things

http://www.goldfish-as-pets.com/care_items.html

After forcing myself to ignore my ever growing to-do-list from hell I enjoyed an hour of web surfing. I found more free sample offers AND 337 Interesting Facts that are pretty much useless. They're fun though!

Here's a few that stood out the most:

• 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 (I love math - fun!)
• A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off
• A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds (Holy shit! My kids are goldfish.)
• A hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute on average (Hey, mine too! When I look at my to-do-list from hell.)
• A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second
• A male emperor moth can smell a female emperor moth up to 7 miles away
• A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes (I've always wanted to be a pig.)
• A pregnant goldfish is called a twit (Oh no. If my kids are goldfish I've been a twit!)
• A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans (Americans who swallow toothpicks are just plain stupid.)
• All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20
• A whale's penis is called a dork (No, no, no! This can't be. I'm a whale penis.)
• America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men (That's so gay.)
• Bats always turn left when exiting a cave (Good to know.)
• Cat's urine glows under a black-light
• Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired" (Getting a pink slip is soooo much better.)
• One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television (I'm one of the four. America's Funniest People and the news...no, not the crime report dillhole!)
• Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants (Then he came back to America to start a nudist colony with his two boyfriends)

Pretty useless, but fun, right? Well, enough with the fun and games for the night, there's work to be done.

Today's Blog Has Been Brought To You By The Number 85

This is my 85th blog entry on the 85th day of 2011. I like the number 85. I graduated from college in '85, got my first job in '85 and my first apartment without roommates (except for Walter the dog) in '85. In 1985 I discovered Walter the dog was a leather shoe chewing, furniture destroyer suffering from separation anxiety. I furthered my education in '85 by enrolling in K9 training school. In 1985 I also learned that you should never flip stupid drivers off because one of them might be your boss. 


Yes, '85 was a year to remember. So many things happened. Like the UK's first ever national Glow Worm day and the release of Super Mario Bros. But one of the most awesomeness events that took place in 1985 was Live Aid.

I discovered this video today. Enjoy!

 

Paying Retail Is For Idiots

When you're in need of something and have a problem paying retail go to craigslist! I had another successful craigslist transaction today. You never know how a deal will go down until it's all said and done and I must say, today's purchase went down so awesomely well I almost peed my pants with excitement! I'm glad I didn't because I would have looked like a total dillhole. (I know, it's not the word of the day but I like it.)

I really didn't want to spend money on a new camera but it was a necessity in order to keep one of my freelance jobs. I did some research and found the perfect camera to suit my needs but the latest model cost more than good looks and a smile...and even that can be over priced on a bad hair day. So off to craigslist I went and ta-da! I found my camera. After several days of email exchanges and a phone call the transaction finally took place at one of the new fancy shmancy McDonald's. The seller was friendly, neat, had all his teeth, didn't smell and came with the camera in its original box with every cable neatly packaged with the original twist ties, all the discs, and the original manual. It was beautiful. 

Now that my new 50% below-retail-camera is charged I took a picture to share. It's my  pocket Declaration of Independence and Constitution of the United States! 

 

Yep. That's the little diddy I wrote about on February 5th. My freebie arrived this week. I got it from the same folks who published God, Guns and Gold: Foundations for Christian Freedom . I haven't read it yet to see if God packs heat anywhere in it but after I read my 50% below-retail-camera's operating manual I'll be sure to check.

So today I discovered another friendly, honest craigslister and how much of a difference 10 additional mega pixels can make. I have to say it was a kick ass day!   

Word Of The Day: Dillhole

I heard the word dillhole for the first time yesterday. My 20 year old used it and it totally made me laugh. No. He didn't direct the term towards me although I'm sure there have been moments I've been a dillhole in his life at times. Yesterday my boy and I were working at our acting gig and he played the role of a homeless schizophrenic who heard voices calling him a dillhole as they planned to take his brain.

I wasn't sure what a dillhole was, I assumed it meant pickled asshole. After researching the topic I learned my assumption was somewhat correct. According to the Online Slang Dictionary dillhole is a noun that's used as a general insult. It means: butthole/jackass, uncool person, jerk, asshole, unintelligent person, idiot. Example: You're not winning and you need rehab dillhole!

Some dillhole explorers believe dill is short for dildo which gives the word a whole new meaning as in; My dillhole is empty. 


Apparently dillhole has been around a while. Legend has it, Beavis & Butthead used the term first. B&B couldn't say the word dickhole on TV so dillhole replaced that awful word of evil and sin.

Dillhole was also used on That 70's Show and Friends. Chandler quotes Winnie the Pooh author, A.A. Milne, as having said, "Get out of my chair, Dillhole!" 

Here's a clip, take a listen.

Get Out Of My Chair, Dillhole! Sound Clip and Quote

 

If you're still not clear as to what a dillhole is maybe this video can help clarify who should wear the dillhole crown.

Dillhole. Such a funny word, and so much nicer than asshole. It's such a funny word I made it the word of the day.

Flurries Suck

My forsythia bloomed. I just discovered it today and you know what that means right? Three more snow falls. And guess what? Tomorrow's forecast is calling for flurries in the morning. That will be snowfall number one. When I had the tiny boob tube on in the kitchen I looked up at the screen and saw the graphics with snowflakes and type that read "Flurries Suck". Ha! You got that right! I squinted and looked again and it still read the same. Then I put my glasses on and saw that it actually said 'Flurries, Slick'. Ah...suck, slick, same diff. If it's going to snow in the morning we might as well have two more snow falls during the day then we can say a final farewell to the crap until next winter. Let's just get it over with. 

 

Drawings With A Story And A Butthole

I love when I rediscover things I forgot I even lost. Laughing with my daughter tonight was one of those things. We had an excellent laugh. It all started with her teaching me how to draw a cartoon dog face. The directions have a story. You begin by drawing a stick person with no arms then bees (dots) around the stick person. This becomes the nose, mouth and whisker dots of the dog. The story continues with each line drawn step by step until the dog face is complete. It was the cutest story and drawing. After my girl shared this with me she asked if I ever drew pictures with stories when I was a kid. I had to think for a minute. I knew there was one I but I couldn't remember it right away. After I fought through the cobwebs in my scattered memory bank I found it! My one and only cartoon drawing with a story I did as a kid over and over again. I drew it out, told the story and my kid busted out laughing. I laughed so hard I snorted. I'm still laughing. 

So here it is, a childhood memory revisited with my favorite cartoon drawing with a story...

This is a hill.

This is the house a man built for his family.

The last thing the man added was the door.

And at Christmas, the family put a star on the roof.

    ...or did somebody drop a bar of soap in the shower???? 

Stupid right? I know, but it still makes me laugh! 

Fried Brain With A Side Of Poached Eyes

It's a quickie tonight. My brain is fried, my eyes are sore and I am exhausted but I have to share my great discoveries of the day.

1) A 14 pin mini-B cord is hard to find. Don't ask me what exactly all that means but it's a simple USB cord to connect your camera to the computer. Anyway, it would seem that Columbus doesn't have any.

2) A Delkin Device thingy-bob works better than any old 14 pin mini-B cord and they CAN be found in Columbus. I sure like Midwest Photo Exchange...they solved one of my prblems today!

3) You can meet some interesting people when you take a break to get some fresh Spring air...like a crazy man on the street with crazy hair frantically searching for a barber shop and finding all of them closed. And a crazy man with crazy hair can get really pissed and yell at strangers about all the barbers taking lunch. (I told him to fuck off in my mind)

4) Power bars - my new drug of choice.

5) Water - my new drink of choice.


6) Badgers will attack cobras, eat them, get poisoned by the venom, pass out, wake up and go finish eating the cobra. (YouTube rocks)


7) All work and no play makes me a little bitchy.


8) I still haven't recovered from the time change and the Supermoon.

That's it. Those are the things I learned, observed, discovered or rediscovered today. I'm going to bed now. I'm pooped! 

   

Young Victim Slams The Little Shit To The Ground. Way To Go Casey Heynes!

I discovered Casey Heynes today. Words can't express how this interview and the scene filmed of the incident left a lump in my throat. As a parent of children who have been bullied I can't help but cheer Casey on. Did he handle the situation properly? It seems like he did. Had this been the first time Casey had a bully approach him, ridicule him, hit him, then perhaps his actions would have been considered over the top but this poor little boy has had a life time of being the victim. He reacted appropriately in my view. Go Casey!!! You are my hero! And to all you bullies out there, you should think twice before inflicting your pain on others let alone filming it to share your assholeness to the world. 

Yes, this is a 12 minute long video but I encourage everybody to watch it. A box of tissues in hand may be helpful. 

So now the mother of the little shit who was hitting Casey and having his friends video tape his sorry ass being a victimizer has gone public demanding that Casey make an apology. She claims she was shocked to see her boy behave as he did and it seems to me she was either clueless that squirt was a bully or chose not to recognize the fact. Ah, just another parent of a bully ignoring the actions of their child and claiming their little angel is the real victim. I've heard it and seen it a million times. Well hey! Guess what?! Satan was an angel once.

If you have ever been the victim to bullying or are a parent of a child who's bullied or just can't tolerate bullies anymore you might be interested in the Casey Heynes website.

Please Stand By - AGAIN (UPDATE)

Please stand by. We are experiencing Supermoon interference. Regularly scheduled blog  will be posted in its entirety in a few moments.

...well, that certainly was a lengthy moment. How long is a moment anyway? Is a moment an accurate unit of measurement? I don't think so, I think that's why I like taking a moment from time to time. Having to watch the clock and check my calendar all the time is drag as my free spirit within roars and tries to escape the unit of measurements that confines it.

I've been thinking a lot about time. Time is like a checking account. You either have enough in your account to just cover all your expenses but not enough to splurge for a night on the town, more than enough plus some extra to put away for emergencies, or you find yourself with NSF notices...Not Sufficient Funds. My account that holds my time and energy has had all three of these statuses but right at the moment I am teetering on the brink of NSF which would explain my delay in posting my blog entry. It wasn't due to my stupid computer pooping out on me and saying - FUCK YOU, it was due to me having a low balance in my time and energy account. 

Now that I got that out it's time to get back to work. It's all work and no play for me these days. At least the hard work will keep my real checking account from dropping into NSF status but for my personal time and energy account I fear a NSF notice is right around the corner...Not Sufficient Fun. What a pisser!     

It Was A 'Please Stand By' Kind Of Night

Due to technical difficulties the regularly programed blog entry for March 18th was temporally interrupted at 11:10 PM last night. All shit of a techno kind hit the fan as I was wrapping up one of several freelance jobs, just in time to write my blog entry. All was going swimmingly well until my computer decided to have a melt down. Thinking back I think I heard it mumbling, "Fuck this" right before shutting down unexpectedly. Thankfully I had just hit 'save' about 15 minutes before the melt down but I still lost some of the work I had been slaving over all day. 

It was an ugly scene that went down something like this...

Me: Thank God I'm almost done with this.

Computer: Thank God you're almost done with this.

Me: Hmmm, I think computer is complaining, I better hit save before it becomes a dick.

Computer: Hey asshole, I'm going to fuck you up, time is running out.

Me: Holy crap, how long can it take to save a 65MB file? 

Computer: Hold your horses asshole, I'm tired and you haven't given me a break all day.

Me: Okay, file saved, now lets get a little more done then I'll write my blog. Sound good?

Computer: Fuck you, I'm going to bed. (the melt down begins)

Me: No! Fuck YOU!

Computer: Don't you dare hit the power button.

Me: Fuck that you fucking fucker, I'm turning you on again because I have a blog to write.

Computer: Stop waking me up! Fuck you, I'm going back to sleep.

Me: No. No, no, no...FUCK YOU!

And so it went on. Power on, power off, power on, power off. Poor Computer was just plain tired and at that point I realized I was too. We fought for almost an hour until I threw in the towel and said my last, "Fuck you" before going to bed.

My relationship with Computer seems to be much better today. I think we both just needed a good night's rest. So what did I learn yesterday? Always, always, always hit save before adding more shit to an already overloaded file.

 

Sheen: Sold Out In Columbus (Barf)

Words can't express how ashamed I am to say I'm from Columbus right now. It was a wonderful Saint Patrick's Day with blue skies and sun, cartwheels at work with awesome coworkers, a fabulous corned beef and cabbage dinner and some time away from the house with the family, it was all good until I learned some disturbing news. 

Shame on all of you Columbus dumb asses who bought tickets to the Charlie Sheen freak show! Hope you all have fun stroking him off on April 6th. I just learned that the show is sold out according to several sources. 

Holy crap people! What the hell is wrong with you?! Isn't there more important things in your life or even more important things in the world to devote your attention to? I can only hope the show sold out due to large quantities of green beer being consumed today and the shallow drunks wake up tomorrow regretting their freak show ticket purchases! Please, please, please let this be the case because I really hate thinking that I live in a place where people mindlessly jump onto the Sheen band wagon. You're his pawns, you're like putty in his hands, you're being manipulated by a very sick man on a personal crusade to provoke more madness in a world that is mad enough. Shame on all you dumb asses.

This bit of news makes me want to vomit so I need to stop thinking about it. I don't want to go to bed with Charlie or his Sheen fiends on my mind. Must hit rewind. Must think of happy day events. Erase Sheen news. Ah, there we go. Cartwheels.   

$58 For A Guy Rolling In Dough & Hos Or $58 To Help Japan? That Is The Question.

If you had an extra $58 would you support Charlie Sheen or support the Japan Earthquake and Pacific Tsunami Relief Effort ? 

A $58 ticket to see this guy be an ass and become a madman's enabler?

 -OR-

A $58 donation to help the people of Japan?

 ...Just asking.

Let Them Eat Cake

It's going to be a short post tonight. I have to get to bed earlier than last night and I really think I need time to relax before beddy-bye without a computer monitor in my face with news reports, freebie deals, and social network sites. I thought I had gotten to bed at a descent hour last night but because I don't have a super powered alarm clock that kicks my ass and whacks me over the head with a sledge hammer in the morning, I never heard my alarm go off at 7:00 AM. I hate when that happens. I rolled out of bed at the time I'm usually seeing one kid off to the bus and jumping in the Crapstar to get the other kid to school and me at work.

So it finally struck me today, my family doesn't understand the meanings of- out of bed NOW - hurry - hurry up dammit - we gotta move, move, move - hurry, hurry, hurry - Jesus Christ, get your shoes and socks on! (and by the way, I do believe Mary had to tell her son to get his saddles on a few times). My children do understand the meaning of eat cake however. Yes, that's what the kids had for breakfast, Pepperidge Farm Chocolate Fudge cake. Okay, for the record they also had half a turkey sandwich in the Crapstar on the way to school after madly eating their cake with their bare hands in the kitchen. 

My morning was a bit insane, that's why I'm getting to bed early tonight to avoid another day like today. It would do me good to try to capture that hour that was lost Sunday.  

Rubber Chicken Santa And A Tree Will be Gone By April Fool's Day

Can I just blame the time change for having a Christmas tree still up in the living room and Rubber Chicken Santa on top of the TV? Pleeeease. I need to blame something or somebody besides myself. I just can't keep beating myself up about this. I'll just tell myself it's festive, everybody should have a festive home...right? And who wouldn't enjoy a Rubber Chicken Santa all year long????

I really wanted to have the Christmas decorations and tree down by Ash Wednesday but that just didn't happen. I have a new deadline now, April Fool's Day. I think that's a reasonable goal. See, that's what I'm learning, set reasonable goals unlike my unrealistic tree-taking-down deadline of Ash Wednesday! What was I thinking? HA! Well, at least I've taken care of a few other things like work, freelance projects, kids, parent teacher conferences, dinner making, grocery shopping, advising, listening, chauffeuring, and writing a daily blog.     

The Cleveland Show Helped Me Rediscover One Of My Loves

Well, as I suspected, the time change messed with me man. My ass was dragging all day and I felt like I was in a gerbil run-about ball but I did manage to get some items checked off my insanely long to-do-list.  I even gave myself a moment to enjoy something I forgot I enjoyed. No, it wasn't sexy time, that damn free sample of Astroglide hasn't been touched since the mailman delivered it. That thing I enjoyed was playing with polymer clay. I rediscovered my love for Sculpy! 

After discovering Desperate Housewives was a rerun (boooo!), I sat down with my daughter to watch one of her shows and realized it just wasn't doing it for me...The Cleveland Show kind of sucks. Bored out of mind with Cleveland and his family I pulled out the Sculpy and made this...

A clay pen! This was so much fun to make and so simple. I could talk and create at the same time. I was able to talk to my kid about how stupid The Cleveland Show was while swirling clay around a Bic pen. Then while it baked I tucked the girl in for the night. Easy-peasy. Now I want to make a gazillion, million of them! I'm glad I rediscovered my love for Sculpy.

 

Lose An Hour Of Your Life

Just when I started to get into the swing of things, getting my seasoned bad self to bed at a descent hour and getting at least 6 hours of sleep a night, I'll be losing an hour before rise and shine tomorrow morning. It's that time of year again to spring our clocks forward, spring our tired dragging asses around on the second Sunday of March or show up at church to find nobody there because we were a dumb ass and forgot to change our clocks before going to bed. Yes, it's that time of year to bitch about losing an hour of our life until we realize the sun is still out at 7:30 in the evening, then we forget all our pissing and moaning when we remember we like having more daylight. Let's hope we actually have sun tomorrow so we can fully enjoy the experience. I think I'll check the forecast. If we have a dark rainy day in store I'll op to keep my clock just where it is.

What I learned today is Daylight Savings Time was first instituted in the U.S. during World War I to save energy for war production by taking advantage of the later hours of daylight between April and October. I also learned that four additional long, dark weeks were added to Daylight Savings Time in 2007 due to the passage of the Energy Policy Act in 2005.



So there you have it. I learned that we have an additional four weeks of early darkness in the evenings so we can save energy by having our lights on longer. Huh????

 

 

Thank God My Mop Is Gone

It's gone! My mop is gone! No, not my floor mop. The damn kitchen mop is still hanging around screaming to be used and abused as I ignore its cries along with everybody else in our humble abode. No, my neglected mop is still here BUT the mop on my head is gone and that is cause for celebration! I feel like a puppy after a bath that dances and jumps and chases its tail.

It's amazing how a few simple life changes and some personal attention can make me dance again. Changing my pace from a sprinter to a cross country runner has done wonders for me since I made a conscious effort to change my mode of operation. I think my lenten promise has helped me too...no more tea, or soda, or any other beverage for fourty days. It's all water all the time. I'm re-hydrating and it's great. Then today the Great Haircut Event of 2011... it's tits!!!   











 

0 Negative Blood Laced With Pepperidge Farm Chocolate Fudge Cake

Today I learned that National Frozen Food Month rocks! In case you missed it, March is National Frozen Food Month and my local grocery stores have some kick ass deals. My favorite deals today were super duper bonus perks I nabbed up to get $1.60 off each gallon of gas. My Crapstar now has a full belly and it cost me $1.99 per gallon! My freezer is full too with some healthy grub and a nice balance of yummy shit that's totally awful for you. Can't wait to break into the three Pepperidge Farm Chocolate Fudge cakes chill'n in the icebox. Good stuff man.

You know what else is good stuff? Gabrielle Giffords Honorary Save-a-life Saturday. This event is hosted by the American Red Cross and will take place on March 19, 2011. The Red Cross will provide classes to teach the basics of CPR, the treatment of shock and how to treat wounds in over 100 locations across the U.S., waiving the $25 class fee to educate America for free. What a great opportunity. I'm so there! And while I'm at it, I think I'll donate some of my special 0 negative blood laced with Pepperidge Farm Chocolate Fudge cake. Don't tell the vampires because they suck and I'm like candy to them.

http://www.redcross.org/savealife

So come on people, let's all sign up and do some good in this fucked up world we live in. It's easy to do, just follow the link above.

Section 5150 Bro

http://skreened.com/coolcrap/section-5150-bro

I never heard of 5150 (fifty one fifty) before until today.Thanks to that winning bro at Sober Valley Ranch I learned something new today. Thanks Charlie! Section 5150 is part of the California Welfare and Institutions Code. It gives authorities the right to involuntarily confine a person who could be capable of hurting themselves or others. A 5150 hold keeps the individual in costudy for 72 hours for evaluation by a mental health professional, if deemed mentally unbalanced treatment follows which can include drug rehab. 

There's talk that Hollywood's winning mean machine masheen from Mars, Charlie the Tiger could wind up with a 5150 hold right here on planet Earth. Stooping lower than I would like to admit I watched Sheen's Korner and I would have to say, a 5150 would be a blessing for the guy. 

So thanks again Chuck. Because of you I learned something new today. You've also been an excellent example of what drugs can do to a mind. With your help bro, I've been able to have wonderful conversations with my kids about hardcore drug use and how the brain can get totally fucked up. Who knew you could touch my life this way. Guess all I can say is -- Winning!    

Astroglide And Prayer Cards

Ah. Getting to bed by 11:00 was a beautiful thing. I felt recharged all day as I paced myself like a cross country runner. It was a full day...an early morning meeting, an acting gig playing the role of a suicidal patient (fun stuff), freelance work, listening to my daughter tell me she has her very first boyfriend ever, discussing how ones very first boyfriend ever can be a wonderful thing but must be a friendship before anything else, helping my boy with homework and reading the short story Poison by Roald Dahl, and visiting my favorite coupon and freebies sites. I'm almost to the finish line but my day won't be over until I finish tonight's blog. 

...and what better way to finish tonight's blog than with this. All the free samples and freebies I received today!

A box of Cheez-Its!

And shampoo to wash that cheezy smell out of my hair and something to relieve my heartburn after eating too many Cheez-Its.

Then some Astroglide after having no heartburn and stinky hair.

After all the Astroglide is gone, Prayer Cards for the morning after.

  

When Everything Starts Spinning You Have To Change The Pace

There we go. That's my brain. It never stops and my body never stops either, except when I have a toothache in my ass and I have no choice but to lay down and not move. But even then I feel my life slowly spinning out of control.


I'm discovering I'm losing any sense of balance. Maybe my bursitis was a sign that I need to slow down my pace a bit. I need to switch from being a sprinter to being more of a cross country runner. That's what I'm learning, so to begin my new pace in life I'm going to get my sore ass to bed by 11:00 PM, I'm going to get up in the morning feeling well rested, and I will approach my day like a cross country runner. 

Pain In The Ass - Literally

I'm not a doctor but I do believe I'm suffering from a case of Ischial Bursitis. The pain started last night and has continued all day and it is not making me happy. The best way I can discribe it is...it sucks!

See the red dot just on the butt cheek? That's where I'm feeling it. It's a real pain in the ass, for real. Did I mention it SUCKS?

According to http://www.bursitis.ws/Hip-Bursitis.html the ischial bursa is part of the ass. Inflammation can occur as a result of injury or prolonged sitting on hard surfaces. Symptoms include pain when sitting or lying down on your ass and pain that travels to the back of the thigh. Ischial bursitis is also called "weaver's bottom" or "tailor's seat." I personally call it a toothache in my ass. I hope to wake up to a happy ass because I have another week of busy madness ahead of me, no insurance and no time to pause. 

Ass pain be gone!!!! 

Winning.

Cha-Ching! It was a dealaroma kind of day. With my coupons in hand and my determination set in high gear I can swipe Charlie Sheen's catch phrase and repeatedly blurt, "winning".  

Deal #1: Food Should Taste Good Olive Chips - FREE! Savings: $3.15

Deal #2: Excedrin Extra Strength / 50 tablets - FREE! Savings: $5.29

 
Deal #3: Planters Flavor Grove Almonds - FREE! Savings: $3.19

Deal #4: Three bags of Green Giant Steamers - .23 ea. Savings: $3.00

Deal #5:  Four 2 liter bottles of Canada Dry Green Tea Ginger Ale - .15 ea. Savings: $4.40

So there you have it. These are just a few of the best deals wrangled up today. Without my coupons this purchase would have cost $19.03 but with my coupons I only spent $1.29! Now that is truly winning.


Oh, and to top it all off an extra perk was getting 70 cents off a gallon of gas. With some more smart shopping I have to do tomorrow I'll have a dollar off a gallon!

15 Cents A Gallon In 1927

!927 Texaco Ad

In 1927 gas was 15 cents a gallon. And for that 15 cents a gallon you were greeted and serviced by a well groomed window cleaning, air pumping, oil checking, tank filling attendant! Plus, bathroom keys weren't attached to an 18 inch 2 x 4 and the restrooms didn't house the neighborhood crack ho.

My morning started with the Crapstar on E. Off to the nearest gas station I went to shit myself as I pumped the most expensive gas I have ever pumped before...$3.49 a gallon!!! Seriously, $3.49 a gallon! It sucked but what sucked more was gas for $3.39 two blocks down the street, I kicked myself for not saving 10 cents a gallon by going there. When I passed a third station one block further with gas for $3.59 I felt a little better thinking I had gotten a deal. But still, my 'deal' was three and a half fucking dollars a gallon! Do you think I got a well groomed window cleaning, air pumping, oil checking, tank filling attendant for that price? Hell no! All I do know is, the price of gas makes me bitchy.

March Food Holidays

http://www.squidoo.com/march-food-holidays

I love food holidays. Who doesn't? I discovered this month's special food celebrations today and I must say, there are some surprises to look forward to. Did you know that March is National Nutrition Month, National Caffeine Awareness Month, AND National Frozen Food Month? But wait, there's more...March is also National Celery Month, Flour Month, Noodle Month, Peanut Month, and National Sauce Month.   

Holy shit! There's even MORE...

• National Frozen Food Day--March 6 
• American Chocolate Week--March 14-20 
• National Potato Chip Day--March 14
• National Chip and Dip Day--March 23 
• National Clams on the Half Shell Day--March 31 
• National Crown Roast of Pork Day--March 7 
• Something on a Stick Day--March 28 
• Poultry Day--March 19 
• Waffle Day--March 25
• Maple Syrup Saturday--3rd Saturday in March

Out of all of these my favorite is Something On A Stick Day. I can't wait for March 28th!

WTFC: What The F*ck Chuck?

Another short and sweet post tonight. I worked 11 straight hours today and I blame it all on Charlie Sheen. Seriously, it really is his fault. I can't go into great detail but due to his insanity and the public's fascination with his babbling rants and Sheenisms I never got home from work until 9:00 this evening. On the upside, Chuckie's madness got me some overtime pay today and more overtime pay tomorrow so I guess that's a good thing.

So that's it. I learned that Sheen is a total lunatic and the world can't seem to get enough of his madness. Now it's time for me to catch some Z's before another day of craziness.     

National Pancake Day And The United States Olympic Committee

Oh my Lord. I've been working my ass off since 9:00 this morning and I'm still working. It's another short and sweet post tonight.

I learned tons of things today but the two stupid things I learned is that March 1 is National Pancake Day. IHOP invented the holiday in 2006. I also learned that I have been recognized by the United States Olympic Committee. I had no idea they noticed me! What a surprise to find this in the mail today. Even more of a surprise to notice that my nifty certificate arrived on the first day of March yet it was signed on March 2, 2011. I think Mr. Howard Bach, Badminton was in a hurry when he signed this or he is as bad with time as I am...or, could it be, my official certificate isn't so official after all? Oh my! Then that means I'm not as special as I thought! Ah, who cares. There's better things to think about, like going to bed soon to have dreams of giant pancakes laced with chocolate chips smeared with peanut butter and drenched with syrup. Oh man, I really have to go now. I have work to finish and a delicious dream to dive into.

I think