Random Act Of Kindness

Of all the places in the world to find a happy place I found mine at Kroger. Who would have thought a grocery shopping trip would result in a moment of kindness. I think this was the first time I have ever left my neighborhood Kroger store without mumbling "asshole" under my breath and behind a fake smile to at least one person. 

I was the recipient of a random act of kindness at the deodorant section in aisle 4. Another coupon extraordinaire was eying the soaps with a selection of coupons in hand while I was shuffling through my clipboard of coupons in search of deodorant deals. Admiring each other's couponing ways we began to chat, excitedly sharing smart-shopper tips and boasting about our kick ass finds. Mine was finding a can of that over powering AXE body spray for a "discontinued" discount price of $2.63. But that wasn't the best part. I had a $2.00 off coupon to go with it! I got a can of AXE for 63 cents! 

After several minutes of sharing exciting deal stories my new coupon pal and I had to part ways. As I began strolling down the rest of aisle 4 my new coupon buddy caught up to me with a coupon in her hand. She tells me to take it, she'll never use it. It was a Buy One Get One FREE coupon for AXE! Wow. That was incredibly nice! I thanked her, got another can of AXE and went wee-wee-wee all the way home.

It was a good outing to Kroger tonight. The deals where great but the random act of kindness was greater. The food and paper products and the two cans of AXE will be gone by next month but the kindness a complete stranger shared with me will last a life time. Now it's my turn.

February 14 - 20 is Random Acts Of Kindness Week  Who's in?! 

Be sure to click on the link to learn more about the Random Acts of Kindness Foundation...cool stuff man!          

Eddie Eagle Works For The NRA

I really couldn't tell you how exactly I stumbled upon this today. All I know is I came home from an amazing 24 hour computerless get-away in a cabin with friends and had to catch up on the headline news and my favorite blogs. One link lead to another and another then I came across Eddie. Eddie Eagle to be exact. This darling character is a mascot for the National Riffle Association.   

Eddie Eagle is kind of like Smokey The Bear but with feathers and lots of gun talk. He teaches cute little children about leaving guns alone unless you're at the firing range with mom and dad or killing Smokey for fun with an adult. 


The Violence Policy Center has a great article about Eddie Eagle and the NRA's campaign to entice kids to want a gun and become future leaders of the association. Here's an Eddie Eagle coloring book that was published and distributed through schools. Gosh, he looks so mean! And what's up with that kid's head? I don't know who did the illustrations for this but they should stick to rendering firearms. Looks like some mighty fine detail work on them there guns. 

http://www.vpc.org/studies/eddieone.htm

Now here's the new and improved Eddie in his very own animated cartoon for the kids!  I know, it's a long, agonizing six minutes but try to stick with it until the 1:27 point to meet The Chief. Take a good look at how his mouth moves...pretty entertaining if you ask me. 

Th--tha-tha--th-thaa--That's all folks!

The Amazing Ambam

I'm posting my January 29th entry quite early this Saturday morning because I have things to get done before my action packed evening tonight.  Here it is, short and sweet.

Just after midnight I discovered the news about the Walk Like A Man Gorilla. His name is Ambam, he lives in Kent, Britain and he prefers walking on his two hind legs. Ambam isn't the first gorilla to walk on two legs but a YouTube video gone viral has made Ambam a star.  It's also been reported that walking on two feet is a family thing. Ambam's father and sister strut their stuff the same way.

If you didn't catch Ambam on the news yesterday watch the video and be amazed. Enjoy!

The Truth About Clowns According To Mad Libs

Today I discovered how incredibly fun it is to write your own Mad Libs. You know, the World's Greatest Word Game. I love Mad Libs. Every time I play the game I end up laughing my ass off so hard I get a headache. Now I can say that writing Mad Libs does the same thing to me.

I'm going to a friends super-duper birthday party tomorrow and decided a homemade birthday gift would be perfect. Plus, the gift doubles as a party activity that all the "kids" will enjoy, especially after drinking adult beverages in the hot tub. "Ah-ha!", I thought, "Personalized Mad Libs!" So write a few Mad Lib I did. 

I'm not going to share the birthday girl's Mad Libs tonight but I am going to share my latest literary masterpiece. What can I say, I'm on a roll with this nonsense so why stop now?  


So, if you've been living in a cave somewhere far, far away - let's say Uranus, and you're clueless as to how the World's Greatest Word Game is played, here are the rules: Know third grade grammar and fill in the blanks. Simple! Now here we go.....

1) adjective:

2) adjective:

 3) body part:

4) piece of clothing:

5) adjective:6) adjective:

7) piece of clothing 

8) noun:9) body part:

10) adjective:

11)noun:

12) adjective:

13) adjective:

14) plural noun:

15) adjective:

16) color:

17) animal:

18) color:

19) country:

The Truth About Clowns 
Some people actually like clowns. They think they're 1________ and funny. They like their 2________, red 3________ and their silly 4 ________. Why there are clown fans, nobody knows. What is known is clown fans are sick, 5________ people. Everybody knows that clowns are 6________. They wear baggy 7________ to hide their loaded 8________ and harry 9________. They hide behind 10________ makeup because they are wanted by the U.S. Department of 11________ Security. Parents should never allow a 12________ clown near their children. There are a few 13________ clowns who aren't 14________ but they are hard to find. The most frightening clown is the drunk clown; with 15________ makeup,16 ________ teeth, sweat that smells like 17_________ and 18________ armpit sweat rings. Luckily, these clowns have moved to 19________.

I Thought for Sure I Would Have Been Deemed A Creator Or An Asshole

I learned the most interesting thing today. According to the Dewey Color System Scientifically Valid Non-language Test at CareerPath.com I'm a Researcher. I took the short test and the results indicated I'm Independent, Self-Motivated, Reserved (I don't know about that one), Introspective, Analytical, and Curious. 

Being deemed a Researcher wouldn't surprise the people who really know me. I research everything! One day I was curious about cashew nuts. I made the observation that images of cashews never include the cashew shell but all the other crazy nuts have a recognizable shell. We all know what peanut, walnut, almond, pecan, macadamia, pistachio, and hazlenut shells look like but do you know what a cashew shell looks like? I do. You should go research that. It's really quite interesting. 

Now, if you're as curious as I was about this Dewey Color System Scientifically Valid Non-language Test , click on the link and give it a try. It takes about 5 minutes and the results might amaze you. They actually amazed me. I thought for sure I would have been deemed either a Creator or an Asshole but the more I think about it I guess I am a natural born Researcher. That would explain my secret desire to be a Forensic Scientist by day, a CIA Agent by night and a Private Investigator on the weekends.   

Snotty Psycho Shithead Beeeotch

AT&T first touch button phone - 1963

If only we could have stuck with these...only 10 buttons, no camera, no web and no texting. But no, we now have cell phones and they're being used as weapons in the cyber bullying battle fields.

The Dumb Bully Shithead Boy isn't the only type of bully in our schools these days. There's the Snotty Psycho Shithead Beeeotch too. I know, my son has been effected by one. A Snotty Psycho Shithead Beeeotch's mode of operation is Cyber Bullying. Weapon of choice? The cell phone.

I discovered something very ugly about a Snotty Psycho Shithead Beeeotch yesterday. She sent a text message filled with hurtful lies to an innocent victim. When I got the news about the disturbing message the evil side of my parental instincts wished the girl an outbreak of infected acne on her face and ass topped off with a severe case of gingivitis. But then I took a few deep breaths, calmed myself down, then focused on doing the right thing...bringing the bitch down with the law on my side.

Today I discovered I had it in me to give Snotty Psycho Shithead Beeeotch my death stare of doom as I sat in the school's lobby waiting to see the dean. I do believe it made the little twit a tad uncomfortable. Good! My only sadness about the encounter was not being able to spot an ugly outbreak of acne on the girl's face.

The meeting with the dean and my son went quite well and I left feeling he will be a good team player in tackling this cyber bullying. We spoke about Ohio laws and how he can bust the girl for breaking school rules. When I got home I searched for Ohio Revised Code 2917.21, Telecommunications Harassment law and found it. Ah, a very handy bit of information indeed.  

Poor litlle Snotty Psycho Shithead Beeeotch, I think she's going to have a rude awakening.
     
 

Was That Planned?

Nine o'clock couldn't arrive soon enough tonight. I couldn't wait for "date night" to see who was "dating" who and to hear the State of the Union Address. Everyone seemed to play nice in the chamber tonight and the President even made a funny. As I absorb the message addressed to the American people this evening I just have to share one observation. The ties...

(Reuters: Kevin Lamarque)

    

...powder blue and pink. Was this planned? Was this part of "date night" attire? John has his Repub Lite tie, Joe has his Dem Lite tie and President Obama has his dimmed down blue tie. I listened to what our President was saying but I found myself fixating on those damn ties. Occassioanlly the camera would pan the chamber and sure enough, there were more Dem Lite ties and Repub Lite ties in the crowd too. 

I think a better symbol of unity would be this handsome tie. With equal parts of red and blue you have purple. Perfect choice!

    

Now let's hope Congress can continue to play nice the day after the big "date" and for days to come. Put on your purple ties boys and girls and let's see you get some shit done!  

Blunt Cards = Bad Words And F-Bombs

It certainly felt like a Monday. My ass was dragging on this cold, gloomy day. The highlight of my day was getting a free Luna Bar in the mail and getting a new tire on the Crapstar. Not that spending more money on the crapmobile was a ray of sunshine but knowing the new tire makes the lemon a little more safe is. All and all, it was a blah kind of day until I broke open the Luna Bar, sat down at the computer and stumbled upon Blunt Card.  

http://www.bluntcard.com/

I can relate to the dude in the blue pajamas. It was just one of those Mondays for me, I'll call today Blahday.

http://www.bluntcard.com/

This is another lovely Blunt Card. Too bad I couldn't write a memo like that today. My Blahday was so blah I didn't even encounter an Assbag!

http://www.bluntcard.com/

Hey! My planner says that too!

Well, that's it for Blahday. If I'm lucky I'll at least run into one Assbag tomorrow and have the time to write them a memo. We can only hope.

It's A National Thing

The first Drink A Manhattan With Walt Day was a success! So much so it officially became National Drink A Manhattan With Walt Day. Friends gathered at the Hey Hey Bar and Grill in Ohio for a toast to Walt while family gathered in Arizona to drink with Walt too. I have no doubt my mom and dad shared the moment with us and enjoyed every minute of it.

The Ohio clan did encounter one small glitch today. No liqueur sales on Sunday but thankfully plenty of beer could be sold and I knew one old Irishman that loved his beer just as much as his Manhattans. We won't encounter this problem next year because the 2nd Annual National Drink A Manhattan With Walt Day will fall on Monday.

1/23/11 Ohio's National Drink A Manhattan Beer With Walt Day Celebration

There's the Ohio clan disguised to protect the innocent. Innocent? What am I thinking? There is nobody in that picture who can claim to be innocent! But they can sure claim to be incredible, loving people who lifted me up on a day that could have been very dark for me. Cheers to Walt and cheers to all of you. Not only did I learn you can't order Manhattans on Sunday, I learned just how kick ass my friends are. It's a wonderful life.  

Eve Of "Drink A Manhattan With Walt Day"

The eve of the first ever Drink A Manhattan With Walt Day has been a day of discoveries. As I prepare to celebrate my father's amazing life on the one year anniversary of his death I've found 'new' old photos and rediscovered some of my favorites. I sorted through stacks of cards, photos, yearbooks, newspaper articles and even Wittenberg College Football programs from 1946. A sizable stack of Walt history has been collected for tomorrow's laptop slideshow. At 4:00 tomorrow, friends and family will gather to toast Walt and his incredible life and I imagine he will be doing the same with my mom by his side either at that big casino in the sky or the 19th hole of that perfect golf coarse in heaven.

Age 92 and still living it up

He was quite the charming Irishman and looked pretty darn good for a 92 year old fart. Yes, I can call him old fart, that's what he called himself and always laughed when saying it.

I discovered more than just photos and family memorabilia today, I discovered how much I am like my father. I'm not the mathematical genius he was but I do love my math. And I'm not a Manhattan drinker but I have been a Manhattan soaked cherry eater since the age of 4. No, it's that those things that make us similar, it's our love for life, our willingness to donate our time and talent to help our communities, and our strong wills...some may call it being stubborn but for dad and I it's called strong will.

Join us tomorrow, near or far, at 4:00 and make toast to your father. Laugh, drink and be merry, tell stories from days gone by and enjoy life! 

Cheers.     
      

Goodbye Keith

I learned a few things today but the news about Keith Olbermann is the thing that stands out the most. I'm stunned and sad at the same time. I'll miss you Keith. 

It's a short blog entry tonight. I'm pooped! My driving adventure with the Crapstar on this bitter cold night, slipping and sliding on the slick roads, has worn me out. I think I'll watch Keith's farewell one more time then cry myself to sleep. 

 

Broken Squirty Thing MacGyvered Into A Strap-on

That's my broken squirty thing. Notice the missing part at the bottom? That part is still attached to the hose at the kitchen sink. Do you know what happens when your squirty thing becomes detatched from your hose and you turn on the water? No water through your faucet but lots of water through your hose. 

When a problem like this occurs it is very important to grab the stump of your squirty thing and point it down. Always hold onto your hose when the flow is strong. If these procedures are not followed I have learned that everything within a 5 foot radius gets wet. After learning how to properly handle my broken squirty thing I found it very difficult to wash the dishes. Actually, the washing part wasn't too difficult but the rinsing part was a pain in the ass. I needed to solve this problem. 

Thankfully, I'm a serious twist-tie collector and I have the skills of MacGyver. I wrestled my broken squirty thing around the faucet, pressed my stump against the end of the spout and tied my stump in place with five twist-ties. Tah-dah! A strap on! Problem solved. Well, solved until it's totally solved with a replacement squirty thing. 

That's what I learned today...how to properly maneuver a hose with a forceful flow and how to MacGyver a broken squirty thing.  

I Reject Feeling Rejected

What I discovered today isn't nearly as entertaining as my discovery of Pieces Of Ass VI yesterday. I wish it was but sadly, it is not. Today I learned that I was rejected once again. I'm getting used to it. Nobody wants to hire me and today somebody was so eager to reject me they got on it ASAP and sent me my rejection email less than 24 hours after receiving my ap. Wow. That was fast. 

http://joannemattera.blogspot.com/2009/01/marketing-mondays-rejection-get-over-it.html

I'm getting over the rejection. They're just big, old stupid, dumb-dumb shitheads. That's all. I laugh in their face. HA! Silly fools. Little do they know I'm an educated, charming, ever so polite, motivated 20-something trapped in a 40ish-something body...who looks 39 and a half on a good day by the way. It's their loss. That's what I'm going with.

  

 

 

My News Hour Ended With Pieces Of Ass VI

Honestly! All I was doing was catching up on my morning news then this showed up.

After booting kids out the door this morning I fired up the computer, poured a tall glass of tea, and sat down to read my morning news. I clicked through the weather, clicked through my favorite blogs, then jumped into the national news. Every headline story seemed to be about that woman from Alaska. Poor Ricky Gervais got bumped to the second page. I read quite a few stories about the crazy Alaskan then one of the stories had a Fox news clip. That clip lead to another clip then another then came Pieces Of Ass VI with a blurb about a Sarah Palin tribute. I couldn't help myself. I had to watch.

So what do you think? Makes you want to visit Batteries Not Included doesn't it? Or how about going to Chicago to design the next window display. I'm putting that one on my bucket list.   

Buckhannon - The Home Of The Strawberry-less Strawberry Festival For Large White People

Buckhannon, WV has a population of 5,725 with an average household income of $30,480. Now that's some interesting shit!  No, not really. But hey, it's something I learned today. I didn't even know a Buckhannon, West Virginia existed.

 

Buckhannon, WV - Main Street

It looks like a quaint little town with a land area of 2.47 square miles and one public high school and according to city-data.com, Buckhannon has colleges too. West Virginia Wesleyan College, Fred W. Eberle Technical Center, and the one and only West Virginia Canine College! No, it's not for really smart dogs, it's for dog trainers and the college by the way has 15 students currently enrolled.

Buckhannon has its tourist attractions too; The Charles W. Gibson Public Library and the rockus Buckhannon Strawberry Festival!

Buckhannon Strawberry Festival                       photo by: Jim Smith

Yum, strawberries. Lets browse down the street and see some...looking, looking...corn dogs, french fries, hot dogs...looking, looking...cheese steaks, Italian sausage, candy, popcorn...looking, still looking...WTF?! Where are the strawberries!? I wonder, could the Strawberry-less Buckhannon Strawberry Festival have anything to do with the town's obesity rate of 30.6%? Buckhannonians shouldn't feel too bad, their rate came in lower than the State of West Virginia 2010 calculation of 31.6%. 

So there you have it. Lots of useless information unless you're planning to visit the Strawberry Festival for some deep fried corn dogs or move to Buckhannon for a quiet retirement with 5,471 white Buckhannonians, 114 black Buckhannonians, 55 Hispanic Buckhannonians, 47 Asian Buckhannonians, 31 mixed race Buckhannonians, 6 American Buckhannonians and 1 lonely Buckhannonian who doesn't know what race they are. 

• White alone - 5,471 (95.6%)
• Black alone - 114 (2.0%)
• Hispanic - 55 (1.0%)
• Asian alone - 47 (0.8%)
• Two or more races - 31 (0.5%)
• American alone - 6 (0.1%)
• Other race alone - 1 (0.02%)

  

Will Orb Be The Answer To My Weeds Addiction?

Our Po' Man Cable is a digital converter box with an antenna attached to pick up a whopping nine channels. Out of the nine channels one is a weather channel with infomercials that air from time to time...not a channel we choose to watch too often. Then there's the Jesus Channel also known as the Trinity Broadcast Network. This is another we don't watch often unless an animal show comes on or a classic Jesus movie is aired. So actually, we really only have seven channels for our entertainment.

Last night I searched the internet for episodes of Weeds, hoping to find Season 6. I found the latest season with all the episodes to date and I was thrilled. I began watching episode one on the monitor and thought, there had to be a better way. So I fired up the Wii. I was able to figure out how to search YouTube videos of Weeds but the process seemed way too complicated. 

Well, today was my lucky day! I think I found a solution to my Weeds desire. I found Orb! Orb streams anything you can watch or listen to on the web through your game system then into your TV. It's magic! I'm downloading it as I write this.

That's the best thing I learned today and my Orb learning hasn't ended. After writing this I have some configuring to do then hopefully I can sit back and enjoy season 6 episode 2 of Weeds.

Wish me luck. I've got a Weeds addiction to tend to.

A Page Is Born

After doing birthday cartwheels in the snow last night I squeaked out of bed this morning feeling like the Tin Man before Dorothy oiled the dude up. I quickly realized I need to do more stretching before performing my annual age-defying spectacle. Feeling rather sore from the hair on my chinny chin chin to the hair on my big beautiful ass I decided today would be a good day to move slowly and learn how to create a blog page.

Yep, I made a blog page today. That's my big accomplishment. Go ahead, click on the About The Genius tab. You'll love it. It's great! Well, maybe it's not that great but it is great for me because I now know how to create a blog page.

Go Explore Uranus Ophiuchus!

Alright Ophiuchus, I'm telling you right now, you are not welcome. What?...you really thought you could just come strolling back after all those years? Seriously dude, you're stirring up some shit here.  Listen, Snake Boy, you need to go away, take a trip, hitch a ride on the Enterprise, explore Uranus. You need to squat some place else because you and your snake shoved me into Sagittarius. I'm a Capricorn damn it! You're not going to push me around! 

A star chart of Ophiuchus. From Atlas Coelestis, John Flamsteed, London, 1753.

That's what I learned first thing this morning, Ophiuchus has returned as the 13th Zodiac sign. The second thing I learned? I was no longer a Capricorn. Yep, Ophiuchus bumped me to Sagittarius and to make it even worse, I got bumped on my birthday!

Although the initial news about my astrological identity theft put a small burr up my ass I got over it and waited for more information about Snake Boy's squatting. Thankfully I found this in the International Business Times :

Amid the snowballing commotion over the perceived proposition of the 13th Zodiac sign, several astrologers are trying to calm the panicky astrology-believers with assurances that nothing has really changed in their stars. Meanwhile, the astronomer who began the whole ordeal, has also come out to clarify that he never contended that Ophiuchus ought to be added to the existing list of 12 signs. 

Thank God! I have my Capricorn back! Nothing against my Sagittarius friends, I just like being a mountain goat.

New Body Farm in PA

Several years ago I decided to donate my body to science but it wasn't until recent years I became aware of a different kind of option available - a body farm! When I first explored the study of human decomposition I found body farms in different locations across the country but nothing close to home. But today I found THIS ,  California University Of Pennsylvania Starts First Body Farm In The Northeast. Learning this made my day! I'll be relatively close to my place of birth plus I'll have a free ride to the farm! You see, farms over 200 miles away require a transportation fee based on mileage and I don't want to leave this party sticking my family with the bill. Besides that, PA is beautiful.

I know this isn't for everybody but for me it's perfect. I'm a detective at heart and love solving crimes. I also hate to spend money on things that don't really matter. I don't want money spent on a funeral or gravestone. The only money spent better be for a kick ass bon voyage party!

To learn more about forensic anthropology check

out this National Geographic video if you dare.  

    

 

It's My Call Of Duty

A big, bright light bulb went off late last night when I realized how to combat a teenage boy's Call Of Duty: Black Ops obsession. Apparently the game is the best thing ever or at least the best thing since the last Call Of Duty game came out. With the game system's WiFi connection gamers gather in a virtual battle zone from all over the world and try to conquer ah....try to conquer...ummm...well, they try to conquer something and it's really, really important. 

My teenage warrior is obsessed. So much so he's been caught in the wee hours of the morning battling the enemy and teaming up with other teenage warriors on school nights! No wonder the kid looks like an army tank ran over him during the night when he greets me in the morning with grunts and groans. He's wiped out from gaming until 4:00 AM.

My light bulb moment happened just after midnight. I detected a subtle glow coming from under the boy's bedroom door and I knew that damn game was on again and he was playing it! I was too tired to argue about it again and knew there had to be another solution. Bingo! Turn off the router!! With no router there's no connection. With no connection there's no gaming. With no gaming there's a boy getting to bed with the most dreadful boredom lulling him to sleep. 

What can I say? It was my Call Of Duty.

   

Dumb Bully Sh!thead Boy

Sadly, today's discovery isn't a surprise but it is very bothersome; An eye witness report of a pathological bully spewing hatred in a local middle school (again). Like I said, not much of a surprise. Bullies can be found everywhere but I believe the largest population of hateful snots can be found in our middle schools. Ask any teacher, they'll tell you the same thing, middle school is where bullies rise to power and the gentle souls either become victims or go to the dark side and become followers, kind of like bully apprentice. I am proud to say my children have never been bullies. They have however been victims. 

The eye witness today was my daughter. She has been tormented by the same mean-spirited bully since the beginning of the school year. Today the bully targeted my daughter again and found two more girls to add to his list of victims. I'm proud of my girl though. She's been listening to me and didn't allow the prepubescent brat to bring her down. She was like Teflon, the hurtful words didn't stick and now she's offering support to the other girls who are being verbally attacked. 

Since the bullying started I've been encouraging my daughter to just walk away and never, ever let him see her cry. I explained how bullies get their rocks off watching people react, they love seeing tears because those tears make them feel powerful. I know all of this is easier said than done, especially when you're only 12 but with lots of heart to heart talks and our latest strategy my girl is feeling more and more empowered. So much so she's ready to advocate for others.

Every morning before my girl leaves for school I remind her of our strategy. It goes like this...

Blah, blah, blah goes the bully.

Okay my love, you have a good day.

Remember what to do if that

bully starts talking smack.

Hear me whisper in your ear.

Then I whisper in her ear ---

He's nothing but a little shithead.

If he starts something with you I

want you to hear me whispering,

"He's a little shithead" in your ear.

This always makes her giggle because

it's funny to hear a grown up say shithead 
in a calm, matter-of-fact kind of way.

Shithead's voice fades.

 Now, I want you to enjoy your day, learn lots

and don't let the little shithead bring you 

down. Shitheads don't deserve your 

time and energy.

Who's got the power now shithead?

 And don't forget, just walk away. You

can walk away laughing if you want.

That will confuse the little shithead and

make him frustrated. In time he won't 

have any fun messing with you because

he doesn't get the reaction he wants.

That's our strategy. I call it Mission Empowerment and from what I can see it's starting to work. My girl is getting it. She is beginning to see that she's the one with the power and is learning that her energy is all hers. She's learning to spend her energy on things and people who deserve it, not dumb bully shithead boys.  Can I hear an AMEN?! 

               

Stinky Tofu

Stinky tofu. That's what I learned today. I didn't have the pleasure to eat some or be around some to smell its awfulness but it does exist. An Asian co-worker described it today. Apparently it smells really, really bad but tastes really, really good. 

I did a little search and found a video filmed at Beijing's Wangfujing snack street and learned about some other culinary delights. Animal genitals seem to be a big hit. I could write about it but hell, you can watch it yourself. I have a headache and want to go to bed having sweet dreams of goat penises jumping over the moon. 

Good night and enjoy.

It's my blog and I'll poop if I want to

Last night the family gathered in the living room for a few rounds of Mad Libs...Night Of The Living Mad Libs to be exact. Two adults, one tween and one teen Mad Libbing for a half hour left me laughing so hard it made my belly hurt. When I woke up this morning still laughing I knew I had learned something. I learned it feels awesome to be a kid, even if it's only for 30 minutes. You know what made me feel most like a kid? Poop! Poop humor is funny shit man. You don't have to be a 10 year old to appreciate some good poop humor.

There you have it. The hair on the back of my poop stood straight up. I'm laughing again just typing it. What's wrong with me? 

The poop-libbing didn't end there. I realized poop could be a noun, verb, adjective and even an adverb so I filled all the blanks for the next Mad Lib using poop.

Now I want to erase all the other Mad Libs in the tablet and fill all the blanks with poop! I love feeling like a kid!     
 

 

My Wind Slab, 1967 Wind Chimes & Zora

Despite feeling a bit off today and sleeping more than any human being should I did make a few small discoveries. My daughter taught me that a Zora is a creature thingy in Zelda. Then that bit of information led me to learn there's a Zeldapedia site. A Zeldapedia. Who knew?

I also discovered just how tripped out Brian Wilson really was. Have you every listened to Wind Chimes off the Smiley Smile album? I listened to it for the first time today when my google results for Wind Chimes History provided me with a YouTube video of Wind Chimes the song. 

After listening to this the first time it became quite apparent that I seriously needed to pop some pills. Out came the Omega 3, B-Complex and the heavy hitter, Wal-Phed PE. I listened again and realized my pill popping didn't enhance the experience one bit. Can't say I'm nuts about the song. It's kind of depressing, or maybe it only depressed me because he's singing about wind chimes and all I have is a wind slab.

My wind slab discovery today is what led me to search the history of wind chimes. Wind chimes date back over 3000 years and were used to welcome good spirits and ward off evil ones. Yikes! I have to get a new wind chime ASAP! 
   

The Crapstar

This set

of wheels

kicks Ford

Crapstar's ass.

It isn't new news but the Ford Windstar is a piece of crap. I know this to be fact, we have one. I refer to it as the Crapstar. What is new news is my Crapstar went in for a recall today and it returned home. I didn't want it to return home. I wanted the rear axle to be replaced and be in the shop for three months so I could have a nice reliable rental to get me through the winter. But noooooooo, my shitmobile had to come home again. 

In case you aren't familiar with one of these jalopies let me fill you in on all the fun I've had with my Crapstar. Two rebuilt transmissions, a broken rear axle, melted plastic from a loose light bulb, speed control issues, an electric window that won't go down and vehicular Tourette Syndrome. Everyday when I drive the Crapstart I can always count on a Tourette Syndrome outburst. The interior lights begin flashing on and off like a strobe light blinking to the beat of sporadic buzzing. And the buzzing? It's not quiet. It's disturbingly loud! I sometimes feel like I'm driving this beauty...

Remember her? It's Christine! I think my Ford Crapstar is Christine's big goofy brother and he needs an exorcism. 

Oh, have I mentioned I hate my van? I also hate that I didn't do my research before buying Christine's sibling. Had I done a little research I would have known that Ford gave birth to spawn of Satan and would never have bought my lemon. Well, I guess that's just one of those life lessons. Next time I'll do my research.   
 

Luck or Genius for $200 Alex

I'm ready to play Jeopardy Alex! Luck or Genius for $200 please.

A form of psychic ability very common among people. 

 What is remote viewing? 

ding-ding-ding-ding 

Correct! 

I do believe I was in touch with my remote viewing skills today when I was running a tad behind and had to get to work at the OSU Medical Skills Center by 1:00. A nap that took a turn into REM sleep had me out the door five minutes late. I could have easily gotten all panicky but decided that would be the wrong approach. The streets were getting slick, the snow began falling, and all the other drivers started acting like they just arrived here from the Equator. To drive like an asshole didn't seem like a good choice. 

I drove safely to work and chose not to worry about finding a spot in the parking garage. Every time that I worry I'll be stuck parking on level 6W I usually just miss out on finding that premo spot on 2E. Today I wasn't going to fret, even though I was running late and parking on 6W adds five minutes to my route. I decided to practice a form of remote viewing. I basically imagined my premo spot ready for me to pull into.  

The garage was crowded and there was a stream of vehicles ahead of me. I crept up ramp after ramp but didn't loose sight that my spot would be open. At level 4 I broke away from the centipede of cars looking for parking and started going back down to level 2. I just knew my premo spot would be there. Around the last bend I turned and WALA!  A car is backing out of its spot on 2E just 3 spaces down from the catwalk connecting the garage to the main building. Hmmm, luck or genius? I would like to think genius.

So what exactly did I learn? I learned what we already know, haste makes waste. I also learned the power of positive thinking and visualizing with total belief.   


Tomorrow I think I'll try this...

     

Young male hypnotized by the Today Show

I relearned something this morning. The television can put teens in a hypnotic state; numbing the senses and causing temporary paralysis. I witnessed a young male appear frozen while standing 4 feet from the picture tube holding his shoes and mouth breathing. Nothing disrupted his hypnosis, not even the plate of smeared bagels slamming on the table and a loud voice directing him to put on his shoes. Reflecting on previous tele-hypnotic encounters I infer the Today Show has the most hypnotic effect. 

This morning's phenomenon has occurred several times in the past but some how I forgot and mindlessly turned on the TV for my dose of Matt & Meredith. What was I thinking? Of all days today was not the day to have the walking dead mouth breathing in front of the TV. We all over slept and didn't have time for zombie boy to just stand in his stocking feet drooling in the kitchen, there were buses to catch! Well, I learned my lesson, no more morning TV on a school day. - Sigh - 

Besides RElearning something today I also wanted to learn something totally new. I'm learning how to embed a video in my post so I thought this one seemed like a good pick.  

 

Cough it up Fifth Third

One of the best things I learned today was how incredibly easy it is to submit a claim to the Fifth Third Bank Class Action Settlement. My heart danced as I hit submit along with thousands of other victims. Ah-ha! You greedy bastards. 

Old Man Potter - It's A Wonderful Life

After discovering the Settlement was legit I began searching for my old bank statements and naturally I couldn't find what I needed. Damn. I had to call those greedy bastards at the bank. I was convinced it was going to be a long, drawn out phone call with no results. They connected me to a greedy bastard personal banker and I asked for account statements dating back a few years. The GBPB (greedy bastard personal banker) informs me I can order a hard copy for $5 per page! Five dollars a page?! WTF?

My GBPB sensed my disgust. Probably when I muttered something like...What the hell? You already gouged me a shit load of money! After a brief pause my GBPB quietly agrees that I shouldn't have to pay for my statements and then offers to retrieve everything I needed and supply me the information. The clouds parted and a ray of sunshine beat down on me. Suddenly my GBPB became an angel. Within an hour I had the information I needed. Today I visited the website, supplied my information and hit submit. Such a good feeling! Sure, getting three times the amount of overdraft fees returned is great but jabbing it to those greedy fat cats at Fifth Third Bank makes me just as tingly. 

So that's what I learned. It's very easy to submit a claim. I encourage all Fifth Third victims to do the same.

 

Those are some big heavy balls

I've seen these things around and have always thought they would be fun to work with but never knew what to call them other than Big Heavy Balls.

Now I know what they're called - Kettlebells! I'm sure glad I learned a nicer name for those big heavy balls before starting my fitness class next week because I certainly don't want to sound like a big ol' dumbbell!    

Did you ever wonder why dumbbells are called dumbbells? Well the term goes way back to medieval times when ringing heavy church bells took some strength. Bell ringers in training would have to strengthen their arms in order to do the job properly. Their training involved pulling a rope weighted by scrap metal to simulate the weight of the church bell. Because the scrap metal "bell" weight didn't make noise like a real bell it was referred to as dumb, as in silent. And that is where the term dumbbell originated.

A couple lessons learned

This last day of Christmas break was an uneventful one. I didn't learn a whole heck of a lot but I did learn that my new underwear has a conflict with my ass. The conflict started after getting out of the van to run into the store to buy the fix-in's for our good-luck pork and kraut New Year's dinner. I know, a day late with the tradition but sometimes that's how we roll.

So I run out to fetch us some grub and as soon as I slid out of the van it happened...my underwear became a spelunker. Not much could be done as I was in a hurry to bring home a pork roast and sauerkraut so retrieving the new underwear from its warm cozy place had to wait. I was on a mission. A family needed fed. I endured the discomfort, found my roast, didn't find any kraut but did find a great deal on 36 rolls of toilet paper. By the time I got home I felt something like this...

I guess I did learn a few things today. Always test drive new underwear before leaving the house and don't try to buy sauerkraut on January 2nd.

        

The Quest Begins

Here we go. My first blog with its very first post on 1-1-11. I've been wanting to enter Blog World for quite sometime but the whole thing seemed so complicated. After 2+ years of ruminating and researching the topic I finally said - Fuck it! It's time to just do it. So here I am just doing it. I'll never learn how to blog until I become a blogger and jump right in.

So here's the scoop. I declare 2011 my year of discovery. My quest is to learn something new everyday and share my incidental genius with the world and through the process learn a shit load of juicy techno stuff about blogging. 

After a night of celebrating the new year and fading in and out of consciousness on the couch this morning I ate a healthy bowl of granola and watched about 4 minutes of the Rose Bowl Parade. Then I found myself disappointed. What the hell happened? Was there a shortage in brightly colored flowers this year? All the floats were kind of dull. A lot of earth tones. It just seemed drab so I surfed through all nine channels on the converter box to find something else. 

I landed on the Jesus Channel, also known as the Trinity Broadcasting Network. I watched some kind of animal show and actually learned a few things. Did you know that the Polar Bear is the largest land carnivore on earth? I found this interesting so I googled Polar Bears to learn more and found this.

Caption: "And now Edger's gone...Somethings going on around here."

Far Side cartoon by  Gary Larson

By stumbling upon this I learned something else. On this day in 1995 the last Gary Larson Far Side comic was published. (By the way, the cartoon above is not the last cartoon).  I also learned in the 15 years of syndication Far Side was published in over 1900 newspapers. 

I pick Far Side for $500 Alex.