Hey Russia! Don't Let Them Make Anymore Crapstars.

Today I decided to explore my audience stats. I learned that Incidental Genius has traveled internationally! I'm sure this is a common thing for the experienced blogger but for me it was a surprise. Wish I could find out which posts were read by the good folks in the UK, Canada, Germany, Singapore, Norway and Russia. Maybe my Russian friends are reading my random bitching about my piece of shit Ford Crapstar. Why would Russians want to read about a piece of shit Ford Crapstar you ask? Well, in case you haven't heard Ford is expanding to Russia. Here's a brief explanation of what's going down in an article from  www.bloomberg.com

 

Ford Motor Co. agreed to form a joint venture to assemble and distribute vehicles in Russia with OAO Sollers, the nation’s second-largest automaker, after Fiat SpA’s talks to create a similar arrangement there failed. 

The planned venture, called Ford Sollers, will manufacture Ford vehicles at plants in St. Petersburg and the Republic of Tatarstan, east of Moscow, starting this year, Dearborn, Michigan-based Ford said today in a statement. Ford and Sollers each will own half of the venture, the companies said.

Interesting. I hope they aren't planning to make more Crapstars! Hey! If any of my Russian readers see this, let it be known I warn you to fear the Ford Crapstar. Don't let them make anymore! Make love, not crap.

Big News About Toilet Paper - NOT

I have a secret. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, "Shit, I have to write my blog tonight" or I ask myself, "How bad would it be if skipped a night?" But I sit down and write something anyway. I made a promise to myself that I would write 365 blog entries in 2011. One post a day. This is my 58th blog entry. 

I truly enjoy blogging about all the stupid shit I learn or discover everyday but I've had a few days when I feared I would hit REM sleep while typing and drool on the keyboard or hated to interrupt a really, super, busy and creatively productive project. Tonight, I was dreading my time typing out today's great discovery or some bit of knowledge I gained because I really don't have anything. Well, nothing that could make you imagine how incredibly amazing and exciting my life is. Hear it is...today's biggest discovery...drum roll please!

It takes 57 days for 2 adults, 1 tween, and 1 teen to use 36 double rolls of Cottonelle. That's some riveting ass wipe trivia! - NOT

Do I actually count how many days it takes for a family to go through toilet paper? No. I just happen to know this because my second blog entry of the year, actually, my second blog entry EVER, mentions the great deal I found on 36 rolls of TP on January 2 . As of today, all 36 of those rolls bought 57 days ago are now used and gone. That's the best I have tonight. I had no life this weekend. I worked every waking hour completing a freelance job. So there you have it.

 

Kroger's Crazy Craisins Deal

I'm crazy for Craisins! I hate raisins but these things rock! Cherry juice infused dried cranberries. How wonderful is that?! I've known about Craisins for a while so finding some at Kroger isn't my big discovery of the day. What was an exciting discovery though, was this!
 

A 6 ounce package of Craisins for 35 cents! Now that's some Manager Special. It was so special I bought four packages. Thank you Mr. Manager, you crazy Craisins pusher you. You made me a very happy shopper.

Insanely Short

Holy shit! I am so busy right now I barely have time to write this. This is my break from my night job, making art. Life is a bit insane at the moment so here's a quickie post because I gots work to do folks!

Today I met a Biggest Loser hopeful. She and her BL partner are leaving Columbus at 2AM to fly out to L.A. to audition for the Biggest Loser. I think that's pretty cool. I really don't know the gal but I'm rooting for her. Go girl go!!! You can do it!!!!

That's it for tonight. Back to work.



 

It's Your Burr, Keep It

I don't know if it's cabin fever, cold, gray winter days, or crazy cosmic forces but there seems to be a lot of people having some downer days lately. There's lots of angry people with big thorny burrs up their asses. It's not just my world of adults, it's happening in my kids' lives at school. 

My daughter reports that her school is full of negative energy these days. We've had some heart to heart talks lately and in a strange way we feel comforted that the bad energy seems to be everywhere, not just our own personal surroundings but we wish it didn't exist. I'm proud of my girl for recognizing the types of energy that humans can send out into the world and knowing that the negative energy she has been feeling isn't directed at her, it's just a strange force in the air these days. 


I gave my girl some advice tonight. I told her she could be the person at school who starts shifting the energy in a better direction by doing some of the simplest things. Sometimes, when you're surrounded by people with big ass burrs up their butts and a black cloud of anger and doom hovering over them you just have to exit their circle of ugly. It's simple...just walk away. You don't have to say anything, you don't have to get angry, you just have to get out from under their dark cloud. It's their cloud so just let them have it and hope while they're all alone they'll yank out the burr they shoved up their own ass. If asked why you're leaving simply explain you don't like the negative energy. I can almost bet, if my daughter can manage to do this, there will be more kids doing the same, leaving the burr stuffed asses to themselves. I know it's easier said than done but I hope she can find the courage to walk away and the inner strength to calmly explain why she is not going to get sucked into their vortex of negative energy. 

Now I have to start practicing what I preach.        

   

Pink Collar Jobs Return With A Twist

Photo from The Pill: Birth of a New Woman - The 1950s

Pink Collar Worker and Pink Collar Job are two terms I have never heard of until today. Lovely Co-worker-A was filling out a form to participate in market research studies. A question on the form asked, "Are you a White Collar Worker, Blue Collar Worker, or Pink Collar Worker?" Lovely Co-worker-A wondered what a Pink Collar Worker was. I wondered what a Pink Collar Worker was, and so did Lovely Co-worker-B. It didn't take long to have the answer. Lovely Co-worker-B was on the case and before we could say, "What the fuck?", we had our answer.

Pink-collar worker

A pink-collar worker does work traditionally mostly done by women. This includes secretarial work, typing, and work as a telephone operator. The term "pink-collar" is intended to parallel "white-collar" and "blue-collar". Women in 1950s offices usually wore bright shirts and pink was a popular color, thus entering the workforce colorwheel. So-called pink-collar jobs are secondary labour market jobs predominantly filled by women. These are jobs that are low in status and pay, and have limited benefits or chances for advancement. Examples include: teaching, nursing, clerical work, cleaning, aged care, food preparation and service, and childcare. According to gender stereotypes pervasive in male-dominated societies, these occupations are seen as ideally and naturally suited to women as they echo domestic responsibilities. Therefore they reinforce and perpetuate the traditional sexual division of labour in the household and limit the opportunities available to women in the workforce.

So after learning this today I did some of my own googling this evening. I was curious if there had been recent news articles about Pink Collar Jobs. I found quite a few but I liked this one the best -  'Pink-Collar' jobs allow moms to make money at home by Tanya O'Rourke CINCINNATI, kypost.com. One of the hottest Pink Collar Jobs in Cincinnati is Pure Romance, a sex toy...I mean relationship aid, home party business. According to the the company's CEO, Chris Ciccinelli, a sex toy business is recession-proof. In 2010 the company grew 37 percent! All I know is, Pure Romance sounds a hell of a lot better than the Pink Collar Ghetto of the 50's. 
 

23 Things I Learned Today

Shitload Sticker From Stickerheads.com

This was a jam packed day of go, go, go. I learned a shitload of stuff today. So much stuff I couldn't possibly share it all in essay form before midnight so it's going to be another list of all the things I learned today. 

1. One Batman hat, two Batman gloves, and a pair of boots keeps you warm and dry.
2. Working with the cool kids in town makes work fun.
3. Liking the cool kids you work with makes the work day fly.
4. Ice cleats are really cool, wish I had some.
5. When ice cleats aren't on your shoes they look like a dangerous crown with chains.
6. The air pump at the BP station that once ran without putting 75 cents in it now requires money.
7. The Crapstar's rear tire is a dick.
8. It wasn't my fault that my printer at work stopped working (yay!).
9. Your body can hurt the next day from major shivering the day before because you were a dumb ass and wore clogs during the great slushie spill of 2011.
10. MY new ACE reading glasses felt too tight, it would seem the circumference of my head has expanded.
11. Anhedonia is a new word I learned today.
12. I think I might have had a touch of anhedonia in the past...but no more!
13. World Bakery entered my world today.
14. I learned what a 4 LoCo is. 
15. Now I want to try a sip of 4 LoCo just to see what it tastes like, not to get drunk.
16. My daughter looks beautiful in her new glasses.
17. Coming home to a shitload of free samples and freebies that arrived in the mail is like Christmas.
18. Answering the phone for the first time at work isn't as scary as I thought it would be, especially when you can pass it off to one of the cool kids who know what they're doing.
19. Rediscovering the tunes of Edie Brickell makes me smile.
20. The best way to enforce a 16 year old boy's punishment for a bone head mistake is to open the lines of communication. 
21. Running into the nice coupon-sharing stranger again at Kroger after first meeting her 3 weeks ago was a pleasant surprise. We're going to try to find each other on facebook.  
22. Eye glasses should be washed with baby shampoo.
23. You can never have too many packages of cream cheese in the house. 

Hat, Gloves, And Boots Took President's Day Off

One hat, two gloves and a pair of boots observed President's Day by taking off. They spent the entire damn day just laying around all warm and cozy in an empty house. They did nothing the entire day! Well, except telling jokes about the clogs that left the house with the light weight bandanna this morning. At about 4:00 they really had a good laugh when the sleet, snow and wind started. Then by early evening they were laughing their asses off when they learned about the winter weather advisory. 

Meanwhile I was the idiot who wore the comfortable yet flimsy clogs and bandanna today. Shit the bed Fred! What the hell was I thinking?! If I was one of my kids I would have yelled at me, pulled me back into the house and demanded I put something weather appropriate on, something to keep me warm and dry...hmmm, let's see, something like a hat, two gloves and a pair of boots!


I have learned to pay attention to the weather forecast. Never again will I be found slopping my way through a giant slushie that fell from the sky wearing a pair of stupid clogs. And never again will I be found in a slushie soaked bandanna on a windy, winter-weather-advisory day. And never again will I leave the house on a winter day without my gloves. My hands look like they're ready for a retirement home and they don't feel real great either. I sure learned a lesson today...don't be a dumb ass and pay attention to the weather forecast! 

How Could It Be A Bad Day With A Shiny Gold Coin & Horny Goat Condoms

I was on a mission today. Micheal's craft store had a big sale with lots of coupons to be had and I needed supplies so off I went in the sleet and rain to fetch some goods for a freelance job I'm working on. There was a glitch though, the small print states that the store will only honor one coupon per costumer and that customer can only redeem one coupon one time a day. No problem...I have kids and a plan.

With kids in tow I arrived at Micheal's and before getting out of the Crapstar I explained the mission to my daughter and her friend. I had three coupons and there was three of us - perfect! I got all my shit, gathered the girls in a quiet area of the store and gave them money, a coupon, and the goods they would be "purchasing". It worked perfectly. When we got home I had to remind my secret shoppers to cough up my change and that's when I noticed I got one of these!

At first I thought it was a Susan B. Anthony one dollar coin. Not having my glasses on at the time I kept squinting at it and couldn't help but think that Susan was kind of ugly, kind of manly looking too. At that point I had to get my new Ace Hardware reading glasses on and take a closer look. Ah, that explained it. It wasn't Susan B. Anthony at all. The blurry mug on my shiny new gold coin was Andrew Johnson's. Well that certainly explained a lot and made me feel much better. I really hated thinking that Sue was ugly. 

Although the weather was shitty today and my Valentine's zit still hasn't gone away I have to say it was a darn toot'n good day. Besides finding some good buys at Micheal's I also nabbed up some nifty freebies during my morning ritual of free sample shopping. One of my favorites that will be arriving in 4-6 weeks is Horny Goat Condoms straight from Horny Goat Brewery. That's right folks, there's a business named Horny Goat. I just knew it was going to be a good day after finding that out first thing this morning.    

A Failed Squirty Thing Return Has A Happy Ending

It was a laid back day yet a productive one. The productivity portion of the day started late and just moments ago I took a break from some art making and looked at my watch and said, "Oh shit! It's almost 11:30 and I have a blog to write!" My two hunt and pecking fingers better work fast tonight before I turn into a pumpkin, or a mouse, or something like that before the stroke of midnight.

Maggi's Chicken Flavored Pasta Soup Mix was one of the best discoveries I found today. My free Maggi sample arrived in the mailbox with a coupon AND a recipe booklet. I couldn't wait to read the recipes so I put on my Walgreen's reading glasses and began flipping through the pages. For a split second I thought my eyesight was failing me more than usual and actually felt a twinge of panic. I couldn't comprehend anything, it looked foreign. Hey! Guess what?! It was foreign. Thank God for that. 

Later in the day I went to Ace Hardware to return the replacement squirty thing we bought to fix the kitchen sink. Damn thing didn't work and the real pisser about it, I forgot to take it with me. There was a happy ending to my failed squirty thing return though. As luck would have it, Ace Hardware had an awesome deal on reading glasses. I am now the proud owner of a brand new pair of $1.00 Ace reading glasses that work way better than my old Walgreen's glasses. Now if I could only find some glasses that can read foreign languages I'd be all set and raring to go with some fine cooking with Maggi. 

My New Rapid Dry Trick

An oven isn't just for cooking in my house. I learned I can put wet artwork in a 200 degree oven for about 20 minutes and it magically dries without bursting into flames or melting. It sure beats pulling out the blow dryer and waving hot air for 20 minutes.


That's my big discovery today. After working at my new awesome job all day I knew I had some art making to do in a short period of time when I got home so I cranked out some art, set the oven dial to 200 and proceeded to make twist tie hooks to hang the wet art from the oven racks. I put the artwork in the oven and the experiment began. Twenty minutes later I had completely dry pieces of small works. Why haven't I thought of this sooner!!! 


Well, now that I know this special trick I think I'll get back to making a few more things before popping a frozen pizza in the oven for an early morning dinner. It's almost midnight so I gots to go!!

The Beauty Of Nothingness

Time is ticking away and I only have 45 more minutes of precious alone time left. I'm the only person in the house at the moment and it's absolutely lovely. I thought now would be a great time to write my blog entry. No interruptions, no late night TV programs to distract me, and no eyeballs falling out of my skull while my body aches with exhaustion. Right now, at this very moment in time, I feel calm, focused and at peace. 

I've discovered that I hardly ever have alone time and damn it, I miss that! Although I'm a social creature by nature I have been craving alone time more and more lately. I love my family and friends and all the extra obligations I take on but I just need some quiet time everyday to plop my ass down for 30 minutes of guilt-free nothingness. That's what I have learned today, the beauty of nothingness and my need for at least one moment of nothingness everyday. (sigh) It feels good.    

Thank You Mr. Peanut

Mr. Peanut logo owned by Kraft Food, Inc.

Here's to you you crazy nut. Thanks Mr. Peanut, you sure came through. I had no idea you actually noticed me. I bet my little rant on your facebook page caught your spectacle covered eye. Guess I was feeling a little bitchy that day when the Free Package of Planters Almonds deal fell through. I went to your facebook page, I even 'liked' you, then followed all the directions to redeem my free pack of almonds and your stink'n website bit my wenis. (I just had to use wenis because it's my favorite new word) The site crashed and the deal I was waiting for fell through so I had to send you a message on facebook Mr. Peanut. I was a tad upset. 

To be quite honest I forgot about my failed almond deal by the next day. I got over it pretty fast but then I REALLY got over it when I received your surprise gift in the mail today.

I'm sorry for telling you that you sucked. And telling you I gave up on your nuts and I'd rather stick with store brand nuts anyway. I didn't mean it. I was just mad at you. 

Mr. Peanut, I mean this from the bottom of my wenis, you're one swell nut. Thanks for noticing and consulting with your ad agency, Kraft Food, Inc. and your damage control specialists. You understand your consumer market of nut eaters and went out of your way to please one little old nut biter in Columbus, Ohio. 

Funny Little Pillows

What I have I learned? I learned that I don't get enough sleep. I am so tired right now it actually hurts. I'm so tired I could even cuddle up with a nifty Godfather, horse head pillow and be out like a light in seconds.

 
Cute pillows right? I found an assortment of these gems HERE . Take a quick browse and enjoy the novelties while I lay my head to rest. I've got some major drooling, snoring, and REM sleep to catch up on. Sweet dreams world. 

Wenis & Soapnuts

Here I thought my 20 year old son was just trying to be polite by using the word wenis instead of penis when asked for a body part while we were completing his customized birthday Mad Lib last night but I was wrong. Wenis is a body part and both males and females have them. A wenis is loose elbow skin. There's even a website devoted to the wenis. Folks around the world can submit photos of their wenises, share wenis stories, and even buy Weniswear and accessories at WenisWorks.com Who knew?!

 
After doing a little research I discovered King Wenis - also spelled Unas, Oenas, Unis or Ounas. King Wenis was a Pharaoh of Ancient Egypt, he was married to two Queens, didn't have any sons, and was the last ruler of the Fifth Dynasty. Although nothing has been written about his wenis I can bet he had one or two along with his queens.

So I learned about wenis today but the fun discoveries didn't end there. I also learned about soapnuts! That's right, soapnuts. I'm actually going to be getting my very first soapnut samples in 2 to 4 weeks! I can hardly wait.

sapindusmukorossi.com

Soapnuts come from the Chinese Soapberry Tree scientifically known as Sapindus Mukorossi. These crazy little nuts create suds and have been used for centuries as a natural cleaning agent. They can be used to wash the laundry, the dishes, produce, and even turned into shampoo and body soap. Gosh! Now I can give my wenis a good lather when my soapnuts arrive! Oh how nice it is to have something to look forward to, it makes my wenis happy.

Broken Heart

I had a slight mishap this evening...I have a broken heart. It was ugly I tell you. It all began when I had a brilliant idea and ended with me thinking, "If only I had listened to my inner baker". Then I had no choice but to take a knife to it and tell it it was a being an ass. 

Here's what I made tonight.

Baking is my thing. I love baking. I also like experimenting and that's the ingredient in tonight's baking adventure that went wrong. I attempted to make a heart shaped brownie in my copper heart mold. I've made cakes in my copper molds before so I thought this would be a cinch! NOT!

I definately learned something. When the inner baker whispers, " There's way too much batter in that mold idiot", you should listen to it. I didn't and when I pulled my heart out of the oven after baking it 15 minutes longer than suggested, I flipped it over on the cooling rack and the damn thing took a shit! It wasn't cooked all the way so its gooey brown innards oozed out all over the table. I scooped what I could back in the pan, popped it back in the oven and baked it longer. When I went to flip over onto the rack again my heart broke. 

So there you have it. That's my special Valentine treat for the family. Too bad it didn't work out. I was going to put a message on it like a candy heart. It was going to say EAT ME. Now it just says I'VE BEEN VIOLATED without using any type. 

Oh well. At least I learned something. I know what NOT to do next time. And on the upside, we'll enjoy picking at this heap of crap plus this whole baking adventure inspired me to dick around with a photo of my copper heart mold.

 

Darwin's Birthday And Frankie's Soon To Be Upright Man Part

To celebrate Charles Darwin's birthday today I took some time to read a little bit about him. Out of anything I read today this quote struck me the most besides learning that he and his wife of 43 years were cousins..."A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life." I find this to be a powerful quote but I have to admit, I did waste some time today, that's how I found this little gem.  

Gee Frankie, what the hell is going on above your man part? Guess with Annette "bare-ing" you're just getting a little bit daring there. Looks like there's more than just the surf raring to go-go-go.

My Bikini Beach movie poster wasn't the only thing I stumbled upon. You know, with every great movie poster there's a great movie trailer too. Enjoy! 

 

Dandelions And Pineapple

http://vintageprintable.com/wordpress/page/25/?wpmp_switcher=desktop

On the way into work today I had the radio on and heard an interesting bit of trivia about my favorite flower, the dandelion. Sure, some people call them weeds and lawn care companies love making these happy little flowers villains but why? They're pretty. Plus they ward off cooties when the flower is rubbed on your skin and leaves a yellow spot. Best cootie vaccine I've ever used! 


The bit of trivia I learned about the dandelion is it has a Valentine's Day connection. Apparently, after you meet your Valentine you pick a dandelion that has gone to seed, take a deep breath and blow the seeds into the wind. You count the seeds that remain on the stem and that's the number of children you will have with your love. Now that I've learned this it makes me love the dandelion even more. 

Another thing I learned today is how to make a pineapple plant from a fresh pineapple. This seems really simple and could be a fun thing to try. For me it would be a fun challenge as I've been known to be a serial plant killer but the up side to growing a pineapple plant is after it's in dirt it only needs watered once a week. Now that's something I might be able to handle.


I could probably write about more things I learned today but I'm pooped. It's been a long week and my eyes have popped out of my head and are rolling on the floor now. I think they're trying to roll to bed so I better follow them. Another full day awaits. Time for ZZZzzzzzzzz

It's All A Blur

The most important thing I learned today is don't put your Walgreen's reading glasses in the breast pocket of your coat if you plan to fling the coat over a dining room chair. The glasses fall out. If you don't know your Walgreen's reading glasses fell out and put your coat on to go home you will discover you have lost them when you prepare to write a blog entry.

It's all a blur so that's it for tonight.

21 Things I've learned

Day two at my brand spanking new job was an excellent adventure. I learned lots today. I learned so much my brain is smoking and my eyes are beginning to fall out of my skull. I FEEL ALIVE! I'm also feeling a wee bit tired. I know, I'm tired at 11:30 at night. That's not my style at all but my brain hurts and I think it's telling me to get my ass to bed.

Rather than trying to type tonight's post in full sentences and paragraphs I'm presenting what I learned today in list form. My melting, dyslexic brain can't handle too many more sentences tonight. So here we go. My list of cool things I learned today.

What I Learned Today  

1. My children do have it in them to be lovely creatures in the morning 
2. The ice scraper sucks  (not so cool)
   
3. My trip into work took way less time than I had anticipated 
4. How to operate a new computer program (I'm still learning this one) 
5. How to queue orders 
6. I can make a mistake and it's all cool 
7. My Ford Crapstar is even shittier than I thought it was yesterday (definately not so cool)
8. The alarm on a really shitty Crapstar can go off for no reason, five times in 2.5 hours (and another not so cool thing)
9. I can talk and work at the same time 
10. Natural peanut butter on Fritos tastes really, really good 
11. Getting to know another co-worker was really easy 
12. Meeting really nice people makes me happy 
13. My son is a thoughtful young man 
14. Gas prices aren't lower on Wednesdays 
15. I need glasses NOW (not cool)
16. A vat of homemade potato soup can be made in less than an hour 
17. My daughter can do anything she puts her mind to 
18. Thomas Jefferson was 33 when he drafted the Declaration of Independence 
19. Working hard and exercising the brain makes you feel alive 
20. Feeling alive again restores hope 
21. I can finally see some good shit happening

     

Did You Say Poop And Drop?

It was my first day of my new, absolutely perfect, part time job. I wasn't nervous about being the new kid or feared being a slow learner but I was a bit anxious about conducting myself properly. It's been a loooong time since I had a job in an office setting or a workshop. 

On my drive into work this morning I practiced some deep breathing techniques, turned off the radio, and chanted a mantra I haven't used in a while..."I open my heart and I open my mind to recieve the presence of (fill in blank)." I fill my blank with God but "Higher Power", "David", "Buddha", "Allah", or even "Love" can fill the blank. I just happen to call my higher power by the name of God. Anyway, I chanted my mantra several times which helped me enter my new job with confidence and joy. It was tits! 

The first thing I learned today was where the communal snack bar is, and that's important in my opinion. I then learned the lay of the land with tours of the t-shirt printing shop and offices, met my new co-workers, memorized the manufacture's names of t-shirt colors, and learned some of the shop lingo such as hoop and drop. That's shop talk for preparing a shirt for the printer.

My hoop and drop lesson started after my bathroom break and a plugged ear due to a head cold and my decongestant wearing off. After leaving the bathroom my lovely trainer said something to me as I approached her and my bad ear heard a muffled comment that sounded something like this..."Did you poop and drop?"  Huh???? Did I poop and drop??? I thought that was kind of funny and a very interesting way to break the ice but gosh, we just met. I wasn't sure how to react. My lovely trainer then replied with something like, "That's what we call this, hoop and drop". I busted out laughing then told her what I thought she said. She had a good laugh too. I feel like my poop and drop incident became a bonding moment and it reassured me that I am truly working with a wonderful group of people with a great sense of humor. I don't think there's a single shithead or dickweed in the place. It's all good stuff.

Tomorrow I'll be trained by a different printing expert. I might have to pin this to my shirt or tape it over my bad ear.

International Symbol of Deaf/Hard of Hearing

Banksy Spoke To Me Today

Banksy's exhibit in Barely Legal - 2006 Los Angeles

The picture above is an image of Banksy's graffiti art applied to walls and a live elephant in the 2006 Barely Legal exhibit in L.A.. I had no idea he had painted an elephant. This totally rocks!

Ah, the elephant in the room. See the person on the couch? The one reading a book, totally ignoring the creature painted like the wallpaper. That person was me until today. 

Banksy's exhibit in Barely Legal - 2006 Los Angeles

Notice something different? Looks like the elephant got noticed. I assume the person on the couch stopped ignoring the elephant in the room and decided to take action, like get the hell outta there.

These images speak a thousands words, especially to me, especially today. I do believe the elephant in the room, or should I say, the elephant in one of the corners of my world has been addressed. It's been a long time coming. I can't say it feels great but I can't say it feels awful either. It actually feels like a zit's been popped. You know, that feeling of pain as you add pressure to the problem then the quick zing you feel when it pops. Then you clean up the mess, feel some relief and move forward hoping the problem doesn't get infected and wind up a bigger zit...or elephant. 

There are things in life that are difficult and being brutally honest is one of them sometimes. Although I'm one who openly admits to calling people shitheads, assholes and dickweeds I'm actually a pretty nice person and I always say these things with a smile on my face. But having to address an elephant in the room isn't as easy as calling somebody a "playful" name. It's down right hard.

I've been standing at a crossroad with this big ass elephant smack dab in the middle of it for way too long. The time has come to tell the beast to get the fuck out of the way. -- ZING! Oh that feels better.
      

127 Hours

While the rest of the world watched a football game today I ventured out to redeem my free 2 liter bottle of Sierra Mist at an almost-empty Kroger. What a great time to get some grocery shopping done! Driving home was a breeze too, not a single car on the road. Going to the store was a little different. I had to inform a driver that he was a dickweed but he didn't hear me since the driver side window won't go down on my Ford Crapstar. Even if I had the window down I doubt dickweed would have noticed his new name as he was in a real hurry swirving around me to get somewhere yesterday. There must have been a Dickweed Bowl Party he was late for.

So I got my free Sierra Mist and a few groceries and headed home to have a quiet evening watching something other than the Super Bowl. Dateline was my program of choice. Wow. What a moving show tonight. Tom Brokaw interviewed Aron Ralston, the adventurist who amputated his own arm to free himself from a fallen boulder pinning him in Blue Ridge Canyon in 2003. Here's a clip from the show.

 

I remember the headlines when this happened but really didn't know much about the story until this evening. Aron Ralston is amazing! Now I just have to see the movie based on his story - 127 Hours. Here's the trailer.

 

 

I'm so glad I learned about Aron's story tonight. It makes you think and wonder if you'd have it in you to survive the way he did. I guess complaining about one stupid dickweed on the road this evening seems pretty stupid now. 

God, Guns And Gold: Foundations For Christian Freedom - WTF?!

Like I do everyday I visited my favorite free sample sites to grab me some freebies at 1:00-something in the morning. I found a few coupons, a free offer of wildflower seeds plus gardening gloves, and a sample of green tea but the best freebie of all......drum-roll please.................a Pocket Constitution and Declaration of Independence Book! Sure, there's a chance I won't even be able to read it due to its size and my need for real glasses instead of my Walgreen's reading glasses, but still, it's a great freebie to put in a stocking! Well, at least that's what I thought at the time when I clicked submit before going to bed.

When I got up this morning I checked my email and sure enough, there was my Pocket Constitution and Declaration of Independence Book confirmation. I opened the email and clicked on the link to the store it will be delivered from, American Vision. After arriving to the home page it didn't take long to realize I'll be getting future offers of great masterpieces of literature like these, The United States: A Christian Nation, God vs. Socialism, and Myths, Lies, and Half Truths How Misreading the Bible Neutralizes Christians and Empowers Liberals, Secularists, and Atheists. The American Vision Store also has some cinematic masterpieces as well; God, Guns and Gold: Foundations for Christian Freedom, a 48 minute DVD for the whopping low price of $19.95!

You can buy this flick here!

So what exactly is American Vision anyway? Well here you go, their mission statement:

"American Vision's mission is to Restore America to its Biblical Foundation—from Genesis to Revelation. American Vision (AV) has been at the heart of worldview study since 1978, providing resources to exhort Christian families and individuals to live with a biblically based worldview. Whether by making available educational resources about God & Government, or by tackling the formidable issue of eschatology in the Church, AV is on the front lines. AV circulates material around the globe to Christians passionate to meet God on His terms in every area of life—right now and for generations to come."  

Great! So glad I submitted my mailing address and email to this group. I fell for their ploy. I just HAD to have my very own Pocket Constitution and Declaration of Independence Book so I gladly offered up my contact information so I can be hit up for donations for their Christian, 501(c)(3), nonprofit organization and inundated with Tea Party Express propaganda. Yep, that's right. AV has strong ties with extremist groups and fringe politicians. This should be interesting. I can't wait to see what type of promotions I'll be getting and I especially can't wait to receive my Pocket Constitution and Declaration of Independence Book according to American Vision. I think I'll be doing some cross referencing as soon as it gets here! 

One Lucky Employer Just Hired An Educated, Charming 20-something Trapped In A 40-something Body

About two weeks ago I was complaining about my dismal job search results. I was feeling pretty down because it seemed like nobody wanted to hire me but I had to convince myself to NOT feel rejected or like a total loser. I do believe my self-talk worked. It went something like this...

...They're just big, old stupid, dumb-dumb shitheads. That's all. I laugh in their face. HA! Silly fools. Little do they know I'm an educated, charming, ever so polite, motivated 20-something trapped in a 40ish-something body...who looks 39 and a half on a good day by the way. It's their loss. That's what I'm going with.

Finally, somebody noticed my awesomeness and hired me for the best part time job ever! It's been a frustrating journey with lots of applications denied, disappointments and interviews that only served one purpose; to put a face to the name inserted into my rejection form letters. Yes, it's been tough but I learned that perseverance and some cocky self talk can keep you in the game until that one special job comes along. It also helps to have good friends who take on the role of job scout. 

I'm not going to make millions and there's no corporate ladders to climb but with my new super-duper, kick ass, part time job I'll have time to pursue my freelance work and help kids with homework and have a healthier cash flow to replace my wind slab with a real wind chime and buy a new hand mixer since my Proctor Silex died this week.

Life is good because I'm awesome! ( Can't stop the self talk now...I'm on a roll.)








     

Crazy School Day

 

Swiped from - http://homes.bio.psu.edu/people/faculty/bshapiro/research.html

This image I swiped from the Molecular Evolution site represents my day 100 percent. Got to bed at 2:00 AM, got up at 6:00 AM, got kids up at 7:00 AM then the real fun began.

Kid 1 and I went to a High School Career Center this morning for a formal tour and presentation. It was bitter cold and lots of ice covered side roads and sidewalks but we made it there and on time too! It was a bit chaotic at first and both of us were getting in touch with our inner bitches but after it was all said and done, I left impressed with the facility. Most of the faculty impressed me too. Despite the hectic morning trying to find where we were supposed to go and nearly falling several times, I learned a few things about a nice trade school in town. Tomorrow we have another school to visit.

After our tour I got my son back to his regular high school by 10:30 then headed home feeling like it should be Happy Hour already, or at least nap time. When I got home Happy Hour wasn't an option because there sat kid 2. Poor kid rode the bus to school to find out there was no school today - power outage. Had I checked my email first thing this morning I would have known that. Guess that's something else I learned...check the email as soon as you get up.

Good night blog. I'm pooped and need to go to bed. 

P. Silex Pronounced Dead Feb. 2, 2011

P. Silex pronounced dead FEB 2-2011 4:58PM

Above is a crime scene photo of the mysterious death of Proctor Silex. Cause of death is unknown at this time. What is known is P. Silex was born in 2010 in China then moved to Glen Allen, VA. Later that year, Silex found a temporary home at a Family Dollar in Columbus, Ohio.  Just before the holidays P. Silex found a permanent home with a lovely family where a new relationship began to form with a beautiful handler. Every time the passionate handler would make physical contact, Silex was always turned on. It was a happy relationship until P. Silex couldn't beat it anymore. The handler tried turning Silex off then on again but there was no sign of life. Silex's final beater ejection was at 4:58 PM today.

P. Silex's foster family is mourning the lose of their newly found helper but the handler is the most mortified with the thought that this might have been a suicide or worse...manslaughter. 

Exhibit A

      

Exhibit B

Evidence would suggest that the untimely death of P. Silex was neither suicide or manslaughter but was due to natural causes. Exhibit A clearly proves Silex was a cheap bastard from Family Dollar. Exhibit B brings into question Silex's place of origin. After examining the evidence, the handler no longer feels guilt and has vowed to start a better relationship with a mixer of quality in the future. 

A Quicky

http://www.gardenplotter.com/rospo/blog/2007_12_01_archive.html

The night before Groundhogs Day and all through the house, not a creature was stirring because they were all frozen stiff to the ice covered walks. The icicles hung from the roof tops so high, with hopes for quick reflexes because you don't want to die. 

It's a nasty night around these parts. Lots of freezing rain and reports of black outs. It's going to be a quick post tonight just in case the electric goes bye-bye.

I did learn something today. Craigslist has expanded and now has Craigslist TV on the web! If you're ever bored jump on over and watch some crazy shit. People document how their craigslists postings pan out then submit their videos. One of my favorites is "Drinking Buddy For Hire". Watching Craigslist TV almost makes me want to put a video together...but that will have to wait until life slows down, maybe when I'm bored to death in a nursing home.